Monday, November 17, 2008

Dressing Your Midlife Middle...

In the November issue of MORE magazine there is an article of the same name by Charla Krupp, which is what actually prompted me to buy the issue. I could hardly wait to get home and crack it open to find out about how to hide my mid section better. I was very sadly disappointed to find that it was written by someone who doesn't really have a *middle section* problem. I, on the other hand, do have a problem, which warrants me more worthy of authoring an article on same.


Alright, I admit I'm a bit past what you'd refer to as "midlife", unless I expect to live to 112, which I don't. However, I'm not dead yet and I love clothes and I love to look good, which I do most of the time. I look good without their *help*, thanks anyway.

I'm always appalled to see other women my age who dress just like their daughters. Doesn't anyone ever tell them they look ridiculous? Apparently not. I am not one of those women. I don't dress for old age either. I dress for appropriate age. There is a rather large difference.

Anyway, back to the article in More magazine. The clothing she suggests we wear to hide our midsection is ridiculous. Empire waists? Not in this lifetime. Empire waists make me look like an elephant because I also have an overly ample bustline. Her other suggestions include layering clothing and wearing very high heels. What? To hide my midsection? I don't think so! That would only serve to make me look huge. The high heels would only make me miserable the entire time I wear them.

Another suggestion she offered was wearing shapewear like Spanx, Lipo-In-A-Box, Wacoal or Donna Karan. I don't know about you, but whenever I put one of those things on, it only pushes the fat parts up and out, causing you to have a whole new line (in various places) and I don't mean panty line. One night while watching late, late night TV (yes there MAY have been a bit of vodka involved), I came across an info-mercial that was offering basically the same thing, different brand. Yes, I succumbed to their wiley sales pitches and bought not one, but six of them, thinking I would really use them. I got three in the nude color and three in black. After trying on one, the rest have never been out of the boxes. I looked like the Pillsbury Dough Boy on steroids. Again, these were designed by a THIN woman. Uh-Huh.


She did suggest a wrap dress that crosses over in the front, which I really liked until I saw the price. $720.00 by Allegra Hicks. No way Hosay! It's a day dress, not even the kind I could wear to church or a wedding. She also offered a cute, cute cropped jacket by Jeffrey Montiero at $740.00. Another offering was an Empire A-Line (day) Dress by Lisa Perry that retails for $1,095.00 and a two-piece skirt (Missoni $1,975.00) and top (Nili Lotan $280.00) that totals $2,205.00. The latter is one of the ugliest outfits I've ever laid eyes on. The writer actually gets paid for these absurd articles she writes.

What? You've got to be kidding me! Has the entire world gone insane? Not one piece of clothing she offered was affordable, and we're not poor. Just sensible. I might possibly spend that much on a coat I'm going to wear for years, but not on a dress or cropped jacket that will be out of style by next season. Designers need to seriously get a grip on life and what it's really all about, as do those who push the designer clothing.

Needless to say, I have lost all faith in magazine articles that offer helpful suggestions for hiding this flaw or another, geared toward the Baby Boomer Generation. Who are they trying to fool anyway? I think I'll stick with my ever faithful common sense instead. Just because something is in style or is a fad, doesn't mean we should go with it. Sometimes the classics are better and you can wear them for years, no matter the cost. Now, that is what dressing is all about. What makes you look good and what you can afford.

16 comments:

Daryl said...

Hey you .. long time no see ...

Have you seen those Yumime Tummie tops? They push things down not up and hide love handles and muffin top.

AND ... Chico's ... they have really nice, classic, tops that are NOT narrow or clingy

:-Daryl

Mental P Mama said...

I saw that article...and I agree. Oprah is starting to be like that, too. I still like More magazine, though. I read it while I'm in my sweatpants;)

Mamahut said...

That is too funny...I just ordered the Kimora(?). If I look like the Pllsbury Dough boy...I will give the Michelan Man a run for his money! I can not get any fatter! I'm also a sucker for the newest wonder vitamins aaccckk.

Anonymous said...

Don't eat sugar for 1 week. This includes fruit and starches. Only eat fish, and chicken and vegetables. You can eat non-fat dairy products too and have an occasional sugar-free jello when you get the craving. Believe me, you mid-section will disappear. You will also have more energy and your skin will look great. If you can sacrifice one week of your life for this, do it.

Snooty Primadona said...

Daryl: Hey stranger! I'm planning to run out to Chico's this week, as a matter of fact.

mpm: I noticed that "O" has been doing the same thing, with a cheapie thrown in here and there.

mamahut: Would you like to have one of my unopened packages of never worn tummy tamers? I'd love to get rid of them.

Anonymous: I'm sure I've heard that before and you're right. It's easy to give up sweets & starches for just a week. This might just be my week, before all the holiday parties begin. Unfortunately, if I do that, then I'll need a whole new wardrobe because everything I have will be too big. As much as I'd love to have a new wardrobe, this isn't the year for that. So, I guess I'll stick with my own little tricks for hiding the mid-section and the clothes I have and love. I do tend to get attached to clothing... But, I will definitely be doing it before swimsuit season.

brneyedgal967 said...

My problem isn't my middle - it's all over. I gain fat evenly - from my face to my toes. One of my friends just gains in the middle, but she still has skinny arms and legs. Maybe that's why the Spanx work for me - I love them. But Good Lord, I feel like an acrobat trying to get into them. If I had the nerve I would video myself putting on a Spanx body suit - whowoahahahaha it would be hilariously embarrassing.

Asthmagirl said...

Thanks to my beloved (cough) steroids, I now have mid section and ass. Well, and some bust, which I can hide. I like the empire waists, but they kind of make you look like you're hiding something (belly)... loosely tailored blouses work for me. I like mine in the 20- 30 dollar range! A silky tank or chemise underneath can hide a multitude of sins (bulges)!

Snooty Primadona said...

Amen to that!

Catherinette Singleton said...

I love Spanx with a huge passion. Nothing flattens my muffin top quite like Spanx!

noble pig said...

OMG what is with these writers. It's like with anything, if you want to spend loads and loads of money it's easy to find a nice house. If you want to spend less you have to search it out, spending months to find the perfect one...as with a car, wine...anything really. These writers do not want to do the leg work and just rattle off RIDICULOUS items that will look good. For $1000 bucks that's easy to find...it's lame.

Snooty Primadona said...

I am in total agreement Cathy.

TSannie said...

I'm with Daryl...I can always find something at Chico's. Oh...wait! That where I bought my one and only Spanx. Trying it on was one of the more humiliating experiences in my life. I have thrown that Spanx away! And good riddance!

Krysta said...

we buy these articles in the hope that one of them will tell the truth and that is "love your jello roll, because it's never going away!"

i buy those magazines too and i'm only 34.

Snooty Primadona said...

I've been buying them since I was at least 34. Haven't learned anything new yet.

Rhea said...

Articles like that are like a Bait and Switch scheme. I am going to the gym (back after three years away) and I hope that will keep me in shape, along with eating less sugar.

Allison said...

I am convinced that most of the people writing this stuff are 20 and 30 something marketers who know zip about us midlifers. I still look pretty good, but come on now, empire waists? Even skinny gals look pregnant in them, if you have any middle at all...well, let's just say it's not pretty.

And the prices...if I had a bazillion dollars, I'm just not going to spend $700 on an article of clothing. Are they unaware that we are/have been/will be/take your pick in a recession?? I wonder who they think we are? It's a head scratcher alright.

 

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