More Tales Of My Mother, The Brown Recluse....

Mr. Snooty and I were scheduled to walk down the aisle (just over 31 years ago) and TBR announced that she was going to invite her new boyfriend, whom we had never met. I'm quite serious. Apparently, they had been living together (at her house, of course) and she said she was bringing him no matter what we said about it. Fine. Especially since she wasn't paying for my wedding. Mr. Snooty's parents paid for everything from flowers and the rehearsal dinner to the reception at the Petroleum Club and our honeymoon. They also paid for the best photographer in town so that we'd have wonderful pictures to remember our day. So, of course, we would allow her to bring anyone she pleased. Frankly, this was just the beginning of the end of our relationship with her.

Of course, she was there for all of the pictures that were taken before hand. She was there for the Rehearsal Dinner. She was there for the wedding and the reception, none of which she helped with, in any way. Oh, she had the money. She just didn't think she should pay for me to get married a second time. You know. Since she wasn't there or paid for the first wedding either. In her mind, it wasn't her responsibility since she didn't have a husband. Forget the fact that he (my first husband) was killed in a freak car accident. She has never been one to care much about other people.




The Brown Recluse also made me have a girl in my wedding that was the daughter of her best friend (they had been in each other's weddings years ago). This girl had stolen my previous boyfriend, which I didn't find out about for a month. Oh Yeah. I can't tell you how excited I was about this development.

Trust me when I tell you I got over being embarrassed by her actions long, long ago. It just happened so often, I suppose I eventually became immune to it.

So, the night of our Rehearsal Dinner (which was also at The Petroleum Club), she tapped her glass to make a toast and proceeded to tell everyone how I'd been in love with Mr. Snooty since second grade and she once discovered my best friend and I in the backyard kissing a board. When she inquired as to what we were doing, we told her we were practicing to kiss Mr. Snoots at school which I thought was rather sweet, for her. Next, she said "What a shame he didn't remember you when next you met, even though it worked out in the end". Thanks a bunch, Mom. Great Toast!

Then, the next night, after our wedding ceremony at the church, we proceeded to the Petroleum Club for the reception. The Brown Recluse brought her latest boyfriend, John. Throughout the evening I was amazed to see John working the crowd, speaking with hundreds of people he didn't know. (There were 600 + people at our wedding and reception.) I was thinking he must really be a great guy and wondering why he was with my mother if he was such a great guy.

I soon found out. At one point during the reception Mr. Snooty's fraternity brothers made a circle around me and sang their fraternity song to me, where I promptly cried. It was so sweet and I thought the world of those guys. There were something like twenty of of his brothers in attendance. As soon as they were finished singing one of the groomsmen came up to me and asked if John was on the up and up. "About what?" I asked. "Well, he asked me to invest in one of his oil deals" replied our friend. Major sirens began going off in my head. It was like hearing the gong from the old "Gong Show". Big Time. Huge. I told him to never invest in an oil deal with someone he didn't know well and trust. I was absolutely livid, I assure you.

Before I was able to find Mr. Snooty and tell him, The Brown Recluse cornered me to tell me that she and John were going to get married the next day and they planned to go to Mexico with us on our honeymoon. Honestly, I almost lost it and started to go completely postal on her ass. Just as I was really going to let her have it, my new M-I-L came up to tell me it was time to go upstairs and change into my Going Away Outfit, thus, it was time to throw the bouquet. So, I held my tongue.

From the stairway, I threw my gorgeous bouquet of Chinese Lillies and roses to the large crowd of single women who waited below. To my complete and utter joy, a good friend caught the bouquet. The next thing was my new hubby taking off my garter and flinging it at all his single guy friends.

My friends finally ushered me upstairs to change into my Going-Away-Outfit. We raced down the stairs, had a few more pictures, then ran through a rainstorm of rice (yes, they still used rice back then), and into our awaiting getaway car. We sped back to our apartment, changed into jeans and sped off to the Hilton Hotel. Since we weren't leaving until the next day and the reception was over, we adjourned to the Hilton Hotel, where our out-of-town friends were staying, to party. And, par-tay we did!

I eventually saw the friend who had caught my lovely bouquet and she quickly pulled me aside. She proceeded to tell me that The Brown Recluse had asked if she could have my flowers since she was getting married the next day. Being put on the spot, she gave it up with reluctance. I really had difficulty believing what I was hearing. Well, not really. However, I was pissed off to the Nth degree. I went out to the hall and used the house phone to call The Brown Recluse, so that none of hubby's friends would hear this conversation. I informed her that she was not going with us on our honeymoon and if I heard that John hit up any more of our friends to invest in his questionable *oil deals*, she would be cut off forever. She told me what a selfish person I'd always been and I told her she had been an excellent teacher. A few more words passed between us, but she knew I meant business.

So as not to make this story any longer, we left the next day for Mexico where we enjoyed a blissful two weeks WITHOUT The Brown Recluse. Or her boyfriend John.

When we returned from our honeymoon, we discovered that good old John had married her then swiftly proceeded to take her for everything he could before making his timely exit and ultimate disappearance. He had cleaned out her checking account, maxed out her credit cards, and took some loose gemstones before doing his vanishing act. Hmmm... I guess what goes around, really does come around.

When I called her and asked for my bouquet back, she told me she threw it away. Uh-Huh.