Thursday, March 5, 2009

Snort! ~ OR ~ The Summation Of My Golf Game

Yesterday was spectacular as far as weather goes, but we've been fooled into a false Spring before, so I'm holding judgement for a while yet. It's not normal for everything to be in full bloom this early. You know. As in maybe April and definitely May, but not, I repeat, NOT March. This here is Texas, not Cal-i-forn-i-a. It was so hot today that you could almost consider frying an egg on the blacktop.

As we all know, Snooty wilts in the heat. I wilted all day, which is never, never, ever a good thing for my golf game nor my disposition. It was hot and extremely slow because the two of us were behind a fivesome (actually two fivesomes) of dear little old men that I normally just adore. Yesterday, I wanted to throttle them. They had two groups of five back to back and wouldn't even look at us to wave us on to *play through*. Umm. Can we talk? We were a twosome. What part of that is difficult to understand? It's common golf course ettiquette for a slow and/or large group of golfers, to wave on those behind them, who have been waiting FREAKING FOREVER! Every. Single. Solitary. Hole.

By the time we made the turn (of the century), going from #9 to #10, we were having to wait even longer, which we just aren't used to out here, which resulted in the dreaded getting-cold-on-your-swing thing... Can you see where I'm going with this? It was painfully slow and the twosome behind us were *dogging* us, which makes me as nervous as a cat on crack.

Okay, FINE! My game was non-exsistent yesterday and I'm trying to blame it on everything and everyone but myself. No. Wait. It's actually The Curse Of Breaking 100. Yup. That's it. Once you break 100, then you take a huge step forward. Unfortunately, you then get to take 10 steps back. It volleys back and forth like this for a while, as it inflates your ego like a balloon, then lets it out like Grandma with a helium balloon. All weird and squeaky like. Very much like Charles Barkley's golf swing. Like a big Eeeeek!

Wait. Wait! I've got it. My equalibrium is out of whack from the sinus infection, respiratory infection, and barking bronchitis.... I wish. The truth is that I have no excuse, really. It was just me having a worse than normal round while playing with Mr. Snoots for the first time in many months. Then, he had the audacity to tell me that I should keep a more accurate score when playing *Girly Golf*, since I was clearly unable to break 100. Uh-Huh. Uhhhhhh...

I would definitely call that a **Hot Snot Sundae With A Booger On Top**. Yes, after digesting that statement, we called it quits at the end of the 15th hole and parted ways. He went back to *the office* (AKA Escape Module) and I... went... shopping. Did I mention he shot 3 strokes less than me on the front nine? Did I?

When preparing to leave the club, I spotted one of the pros and asked him if he had time to give me a **Hot Snot Sundae With A Booger On Top** lesson, then I asked him to pardon my French. Wise Acre that he is, he said "Oh, I speak French". You just have to love a golf pro with a good sense of humor and the patience of Job. So, I leave you with this:

The 10 Unalterable Laws of Golf

1. Golf is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
2. Golfers who claim not to cheat, also lie.
3. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
4. There are only two kinds of bounces: unfair, and ones that went just the way you meant to play them.
5. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course, is a straight line: A straight line that passes through a very large tree.
6. If you are unable to keep your head still, and you look up, causing a bad shot, you will look down again at the exact moment when you should be watching the ball if you ever want to find it again.
7. Bad shots always come in threes. If you believe that you performed your fourth bad shot in a row, you're wrong: it's actually the first of the next group of three.
8. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
9. Any ball that you can see in the rough from more than 2 feet away, isn't yours.
10. No matter how badly you are currently playing, it's always possible to play worse.


Keeper Of All Things said...

I once had a guy friend who adored Golfing and talked me into riding aong.........actually I had a thermos full of Bloody Marys and drove the cart.........

After every time he would hit the ball , he would swear, swing his club around and beat the ground with it......then with gritted teeth he would say

I'm having fun, I'm having fun....over and over till we arrived at the ball then the process would start all over.

Man did I have fun laughing at him and telling all our friends about it!!!

Mental P Mama said...

Is he still alive?

Buddha's Place said...

I love your list!

brneyedgal967 said...

I think if you were to cram a golfball down Mr. Snooty's throat... it would all come out in the end.

numberonesistah said...

Ahaha! When I play golf, I play like Keeper does, with a thermos of booze and sitting in the cart. I find it a thoroughly enjoyable game, you should try it that way sometime Snooty.

TSannie said...

Girly golf??? Those are fightin' words!

I, too golf my age in about 3 holes. Pathetic.

noble pig said...

I'm just so amazed you can golf. I am clueless at that sport. I just think it's fabulous you do this.

SJN said...

girly golf, argggg, them's fighting words for sure!
You'll hear me from Georgia to Texas the day I break 100. Currently I hover ~ 107, so there is hope right?!
Continue to get back to health so you can go back out there and whoop up on Mr. Snoot!

imom said...

I know nothing about golf, but can appreciate the hilarity of the 10 unalterable laws of golf!

Daryl said...

I love watching golf ... its soothing .. but I felt your pain .. and I loved all the fun illustrations

Heather said...

Oh do I feel your pain. My best round is an 83. Missed beating Hubbie by 1 stroke. HOWEVER, I can shoot 100 on any given day and did in a tournament last year. UGH!

It was about 60* today, I practiced, but didn't get to play. Saw a few brave souls jump the fence. I would have done it, but I would have needed plastic golf shoes to handle all the mud.

Remember: It's always better than ironing (or polishing silver). ;o)

imbeingheldhostage said...

well you certainly don't lose your sense of humor when your equilibrium goes. Great title, although it made me gag.

I hope you've been seen about that barking bronchitis, some times it turns into pneumonia! Not to be played with.
Look at me, spilling sunshine and happy thoughts all over your comment section :-)

imbeingheldhostage said...

Oh and even though I cracked up about Tammy's comment, I can't say anything harsh about Mr. Snooty, he was willing to give up a car for a vet :-)

Living on the Spit said...

I can hit the grass further than I can hit the ball...that is why I got relegated to the golf cart driver position...but we know how that turned out...(in the water off the 9th hole).

allison said...

Good Lord, don't ya'll have enough stress in your life without adding golf to it?? This exactly illustrates why I have resisted learning to play for many years. It's a game to drive you to drink...ya think you're on top of it, and it gives you the smack down. Then, it lures you back in with a few hopeful signs in your game, only to give you the smack down again. Seems akin to Lucy, the football and Charlie Brown to me. Am I wrong here?? :)


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