Saturday, May 24, 2008

My Brain! My Brain! Okay - Who Stole My Brain?

I'm not sure if I left it somewhere, or if someone snatched it while I was sleeping, or perhaps The Alien beamed it up to some planet for use elsewhere, but it has clearly gone missing. Maybe the Evil Hackers came while I was asleep on my keyboard and sucked my entire brain through the computer. It could happen. I wonder if the FBI could help. Or maybe Homeland Security, because I either need some big time help finding it or else I just need to go ahead with a Lobotomy so that I can just stop worrying with it. Jeeeeze!All week I've thought the party @ The Alien's was this weekend. I did my nails, colored my dark roots, picked out what I was going to wear, charged my camera battery, and even shaved my legs & underarms. I'm good to go, right? Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

While Mr. Snooty & I were playing golf this morning, he asked if I wanted steak for dinner and I replied no because we were going to The Alien's party. He looked at me rather strangely (actually, he looked at me as if I were drunk or retarded or both) and said no that the party was next week. I said no it wasn't because this is Memorial Day Weekend. He said that it was indeed next week. I looked at my watch and sure enough, this is May 24th. It might be helpful if I'd occasionally glance at a calendar. I didn't realize that The Powers That Be pulled an *itchy switchy* on me and changed the weekend we celebrate it this year. That's just peachy. Why didn't someone enlighten me that I was slightly off my on my countdown to the The Party?

This fading memory dilemma started out slowly and just barely began raising its Ugly Head in my late 40's. Mostly little unimportant things here & there, only occasionally. By my mid 50's, it seems like a large, freshly cut Redwood tree headed for the ground at a high speed. *TIMBER!* Everyone take cover! No telling where my mind is and I wouldn't want any casualties among the bystanders. I think I need a Road Trip to go and find it. Oh, if it were only that simple.

Worse yet, I missed a Spring Tea (not that I really wanted to go) on Thursday. Yes, that's right. I thought it was, of course, NEXT Thursday. But the very worst of all, is this. Last week when I was working on my new cooking blog, I was kind of cleaning things up around my own personal blogosphere. I began deleting posts I'd started that I didn't like & some I just messed up beyond repair. Once I finished, I looked on my blog dashboard and it said I'd only made 80 something posts. WHAT A FEEBLE MINDED SIMPLETON I am! I believe this particular post will be #94. So, I inadvertently lied about reaching 100 posts, but I guess since I'm almost to 100, it wasn't that big a deal, although to me it was just another notch in the belt of the culprit responsible for taking my brain!

Then, a few days ago I ventured out to the grocery store and as much as I hate the grocery store, I spent more than an hour there. Waiting for the butcher to get his fat self over to the counter to wait on me, searching the same aisles over & over to find the items on my list (because they constantly change where everything is). I finally chose the longest shortest line, as usual, and after 20 minutes or so, I was at last on the way to my car with the grocery slacker sacker who had my groceries in tow. As we left, I led the way, as if I knew right where my car was. I didn't. Like the sharp cookie I am these days, I had forgotten where I'd parked. It was around 100 degrees outside and the grocery kid was looking a tad frustrated with me. I understood. I was getting panicky and it was hot & the idiot woman from LalA Land (that would be me) could not remember where she'd parked her car. When we finally found my car we were both sweating like a couple of Cabritos on an open pit of fire. I felt so badly that I actually tipped him. Good Grief, I've never before done that.

This is your brain on drugs --------------->

This is your brain on old age ------------->

Can you see a difference? Yup, me neither.

By my calculations, if my brain and eyes keep going at the rate they are currently, I am so totally screwed in like 10 years. I'll be completely deaf, dumb, and blind by the time I'm 65. WoW! Now there's something to look forward to, huh? But, you know what? I just say to heck with it. If I'm deteriorating that fast, then I think it's time to start really living and doing all of the things that I really want to do BEFORE I lose my dearest brain entirely. Damn! I do so hate to see it go. It's been such a good brain for 55 years and I can't believe it's failing me now. I'm sure that has nothing to do with all of the extracurricular drugs brain activities I partook in, back in the 1960's & 1970's. Of course, I'm sure that all the hard liquor healthy martinis I've consumed over the years has nothing to do with this either. It's just old age. Yeah. Right.


Anonymous said...

WOAH NELLIE...wait...lemme get this have GROCERY BOYS???
Do they wear thongs? Put banana's in their pants? Double bag??
Where is this magical supermarket you speak about?
I will clip the extra cooooooooupons and be there lickity split.
Damn Texans always have to have everything bigger.

P.S. Just blame the fucking Alien for all of your problems. ....I mean forgetfulness.


scargosun said...

It's just the heat, sweetie! Too much working in the garden popped a few brain cells. Relax over the rest of the Memorial Day weekend and brain will be up and ready for you next week.

If not...your blogs will still be funny. ;)

Daryl said...

As long as you know what a calendar is I wouldnt worry too much .. but I will tell you that you are NOT alone. I have to set my iPhone w/all sorts of reminders and if I dont write it down ..

I too was taken aback that Memorial Day is a week early .. .shit


Snooty Primadona said...

#2 You don't have grocery boys? Go ahead... be jealous, lol. Most of our's at HEB put things like watermelons on top of the eggs and cases of beer on top of the bread, lol. They are never the brightest crayolas in the box. I don't think I've ever seen the same one twice, as it's a fast turnover job, like a revolving door turnover.

Scargo: Yeah, that's the ticket. It was the sun. That's right. The sun. Popped a few cells. Do they come back like pimples then?

D: I keep telling Mr. S that we need to be careful that we put everything back where we got it or we might not be able to find it again, lol. Maybe that's that's what happened to my brain! :-D

krysta said...

Ummm... are you sure you want homeland security to try and find your brain? they can't even find osama bin laden...

Anonymous said...

Sista #2 must be frying and egg in that brain of hers also, she too thought your alien party was this weekend !!


Mental P Mama said...

Well, at least you have Mr. Snooty to keep you in line. If you'd missed that party. I would be majorly bummed. We need details. All the details!

Treasia Stepp said...

Aww Snooty hang in there with the rest of us. I told Trucker the other day that at the rate I am losing my brain and memory that before long I'm just going to be sitting here saying "cuckoo, cuckoo". And to think my grandmother just turned 104 and still has her brain is astounding to me. LOL.

Anonymous said...

OMG, I am laughing so very hard! Don't feel bad, I forgot where I parked at the store yesterday too!

Oh you just crack me up.

imbeingheldhostage said...

I was laughing out loud through this whole post. The "Timber!", the 100th post fiasco-- all of it.
DID you know.. that dehydration messes with your memory. Drink more (I meant water). And I'm only 43 with your symptoms (blogged about it in Feb, titled "Did I tell You This Already?"), so that means I should be walking backwards and babbling to myself by 65.

Pam said...

Snooty, you and I are the same age, and I can totally feel your pain. Although my experience with losing my car is a little more Twilight Zone. I do most of my shopping at the local Wally World, and have to depend on myself to unload...twice, I have gone up to a "vintage" 1990 Volvo to put my purchases in and discovered my key didn't work...duh. It was my car's twin, with freaking bumper stickers for heaven's sake that I. don't. have. I have begun to talk to myself as I wander into said WW, I parked in line with the pharmacy sign, or whatever large signage is available. Hang in there, those of us from the class of 1970 must stick together.

brneyedgal967 said...

I hope it's not age related, or that it gets worse with age. If so, I am so totally fucked. My kids laugh at my idiotisms... my handbag of cliches I completely screw up...

Don't judge a cover by it's book kids!

The early worm gets the bird!

And others...

It has begun. You are not alone.


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