Let Me Introduce You To Another Of My Little Friends...

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that I've so far tried just about every anti-aging cream on the market, with little or no positive results.... until now. This new cream I've been trying seems to really be working, especially on my saggy neck skin. I hate my saggy neck skin (AKA Turkey Neck)! Back in the day, it was a bit more fondly referred to as a woman's *wattle*.


I've gotten to where I can look at my reflection in the mirror and actually *overlook* all the *saggy-ness*... most of the time. Then reality sets in and I get so depressed about it that I could cry or puke (and often do). Obviously, I'm not the perfect poster child for aging gracefully.


Then, I saw an ad on the internet for this new face and neck cream called RESTORE (snake) Venom Compound and yes, I paid my $100.00 for a little one ounce jar of cream. (Actually, I bought two jars.) It must be good since it's so expensive, right? Not really. But, this particular cream seems to be showing visible signs of working. I'm hoping it's not just my overactive imagination, but my neck doesn't seem quite so saggy or jiggly lately. Could it really be true that snake venom based compound could actually be tightening my poor aging skin? Or is it simply seeping through to my brain and making me think it's working? It makes me think of that scene in 'Mama Mia' when one of Meryl's character's friends was hung over and couldn't get up. The other friend then jumped up and said "Quick! Get her donkey testicle cream!"


Well, I've now resorted to taking lots of pictures of my face and neck so that I can compare them several months down the road. Sounds like a seethingly brilliant idea, doesn't it? This is where I digress. As if it wasn't enough torture looking in a magnified mirror to apply my makeup, taking close-up pictures is enough to make most women my age go screaming into the closest plastic surgeon's office in tears, begging for help. It strikes the deepest fear of most women.




However, I felt this self-torture was necessary to have a true pictorial account of the virtues (or perhaps not) of this supposedly *miracle* cream that promises to work as well as Botox. Hmmm... That's quite some promise. Hopefully, I will find out for myself whether or not all of the promises are sleazy advertising bunk or might possibly have some truth to them somewhere.




This is where we discover whether or not there is any *proof in the pudding*, so to speak. In other words, if I don't make a pictorial chronicle of my neck & face, how will I ever know if it's really working? Honestly, they didn't promise a face-lift, so I need some proof. Right?




So, stick with me on this. I'll be updating the progress (with dauntingly realistic pictures) every other week. Since I purchased two jars, we'll just ride this pony to the end of the trail, okay? I'm thinking that it should last me 3 months if I use it twice a day, as directed. At the end of this *trial period* we'll find out whether I'm off to buy the company (or the stock) or whether I'll be exposing them for being frauds.

Are you in?



Does anyone remember the show 'Ally McBeal' and Greg Germann's character Richard Fish who had a *wattle fettish*? Seriously, are there any men out there worth having that really love a woman's *wattle*? NO! (Okay, fine. Perhaps there are a few *choice* men.) Most women don't like it either, including *moi*. When 'Ally McBeal' was popular (1997 -2002) I thought those were the most hilarious episodes! Now, I'm afraid I'd cry and throw up if I watched them. It's only funny when you're young and bulletproof.



Approximately a week ago, I received an enormous negative blood transfusion from a honking huge mosquito, on my neck. For a week now, it appears that I have a huge hickey on my neck. At my age. I only wish (just kidding). I have not even once, scratched it and yet it appears to have a very crusty scab. I had also gotten bitten several times on my chest and several on my upper back. None of those have turned crusty, nor have any of the mosquito bites I can ever remember having. Ever. So, I must have leprosy or something, right?


I seriously cannot go to see the Dermatologist here. The woman was spawned in Hell and I detest her. She's from India and does everything short of slapping you after you've waited two hours to see her. She verbally berates you for having moles and/or a tan. I tried to explain that I've always had moles. I also tried to explain to her that my tan is thanks to Neutrogena, but I'm sure she didn't understand me since she continued to verbally flog me throughout my visit, in a language she claims is English. Apparently, there is another English language entirely, that I'm unaware of.

I suppose I'll try to find a Dermatologist in Austin and make an appointment for the next time I go there. However, by the time that future appointment rolls around, you know the scab on my neck will be thoroughly healed. That, or I'll be dead. Why do we allow doctors like her to take over our medical fields in this country? And why don't we have more choices? And why can they not speak intelligible English?

Yes, I'm just full of questions today...