Mom And Pop Snooty Go To Disneyland At 57 Years Old...

Well, it nearly cleaned our clocks, I assure you. First of all, we decided that we'd get up early (it doesn't open until 10:00 AM this time of year), left the hotel by 8:30 AM, we drove to SD's place, grabbed her, and let her take the wheel. Thank goodness! I get a bit manic in Big City Traffic. She says she's got it *all figured out* about how to get there and park, yada, yada, yada. We stopped at some fast food place and grabbed a quick, disgusting breakfast then headed to Anaheim in early morning traffic, which took us roughly 1 hour and 45 minutes to complete the 40 mile trek, Oh. Yeah. That certainly did a lot to get me excited. Or not. My main goal was finding a restroom before I popped, since we'd left the hotel so early, with the hopes of arriving at Disneyland right at opening time. BWAHAHahahahaha. California Dreaming alright.

Of course, once we got off the freeway/interstate thing we all started getting mildly excited and I thought I'd just wait until we got there to find a ladies room. Right? It couldn't be far now. Right? *Insert maniacal laughter here.*

Then, we were there, or so we thought. We were so close we could see some of the rides and knew that we were all only moments away from the place we'd dreamed about our whole lives. Wrong. Apparently the girl child/genius (that would be SD) took the wrong turn, where we were then stuck in two, one-way traffic lanes (going the same direction), with no way to escape and find another route. No. Way. Out. After an hour or so of bumper-to-bumper, 5 MPH, I was ready to hang myself from the nearest light pole or tree or whatever. I was beyond the point of being choosy. I was on the brink of a total breakdown. It was, by then, 11:45 AM.



Have you ever otherwise seen a speed limit sign that stated 14 MPH? Oh, sure. I've seen signs for 5 MPH, for 10 MPH, for 15 MPH and so on. I was in awe of this sign since we never hit a top speed of 5 MPH. I wonder how much it cost the state for those signs? We were in this car line for more than an hour and I was having difficulty understanding WHY.

We finally arrive to find a half empty parking lot with each car having to stop at the ONE GATE in order to be waved through without paying, by a friendly security guard. So, why did it take so freaking long? Sheeple. Sheep People. HELLoooo. Just amazingly moronic sheeple. I should have been in shock, but at my age, I've seen so much, I knew it would be human stupidity in the end. I was not disappointed. But, by that point I was on a mission to find a ladies room. And Quick. Admittedly, we were among the sheeple that decided to take the route we did.

Now, we chose a Monday to go because we thought with school in session in most parts of the western world, and the fact that it wasn't a holiday, would most likely present the least amount of *Sheeple*, right? Wrong again. I don't believe I've ever seen so many people in one place in my life. So, we ultimately parked on the wrong side and had to walk all the way through Downtown Disney to eventually reach the front gate.



Suddenly, we find ourselves in another line that was merely for having purses and bags checked for weapons and inappropriate items not allowed inside the park. Frankly, the way they checked my purse, I could have brought a flask of vodka or something worse. Once we finally get through that line, we see the entrance in the far distance... with more long lines. At. Every. Open. Booth.

Three hundred dollars and several hours after we left the hotel, we finally arrived at the place we'd dreamed about since we were little kids and Walt Disney first started out. Disney is not for the frugal or the tight-fisted. It is outrageously expensive but I won't elaborate now. Maybe never. I just feel sorry for today's young parents.


Anyway, the first order of business was The Matterhorn Bobsled. The line was 45 minutes to an hour long, so our sweet daughter stood in line while I went with Mr. Snoots to the designated smoking area. When we got back, it was only another 30 minutes of waiting for the ride. She did it because she said I used to always wait in the next line while she and our son rode another ride. She never forgets anything. We probably should not have let Mr. Snoots go on the bobsled. After that, he didn't care to go on any more rides until we crossed over to The California Experience park, where he also only rode one.



Next we all three went on the Finding Nemo Submarine which is basically quite tame (lame?) and not nearly as exciting as the submarine rides in The Cayman Islands, but really good for parents with little ones. Still there were some parts that might scare little sheeple. When I saw the long video that showed the progress of making the Nemo Submarine ride, I thought "Wow, how cool is that?" Trust me, it's not that cool. It doesn't really look like anything you saw in the movie, which I truly adored. Next, we discovered that The Indiana Jones Adventure AND Pirates of the Caribbean were temporarily closed, with no explanation. It turns out that the Sailing Ship Columbia and Davy Crockett's Explorer Canoes are only in operation on weekends and select seasons only. Hmmm... something tells me here that we got screwed out of a big part of our Disneyland Experience. For the same price as those who don't get screwed.


Also, the monorail had a 2 hour wait time and Mr. Toad's Wild Ride had like a 1-1/2 hour line waiting to get in. At that point, we decided to scramble over to the California park and it was the best decision we'd made all day. There, we found there weren't as many sheeple and the ride lines were like 20 to 30 minutes each. That meant we weren't constantly having to dodge wheelchairs, little princesses and sheeple who seemed to have no clue as to where they were or what their name was or where they were going. As you first walk in, all the restaurants are there (where we ate heartily) and we were even able to get beer and margaritas. Their *fine dining*, as it turns out, is really just slightly glorified fast food, but edible. That was a bit disappointing.


As soon as we'd finished our meals and drinks, we decided to go on the California Screamin' rollercoaster. Probably not the most winning idea of the day. I didn't know it had a loop-de-loop, so that was a fun new thrill for me. Or Not. Don't ask me why I didn't leave my hat and purse with hubby. Thankfully, I didn't toss my lunch on myself or anyone else. I just kept my eyes shut tight, screamed bloody murder, and held on with every strength of my being. I also kept wondering how long the damned ride was going to go anyway. Enjoy the picture. I was completely terrified.



The next attraction after that was the Mickey's Fun Wheel ferris wheel. That sounds innocent enough, doesn't it? It scared the holy crap out of me and the young couple SD and I were riding with were very entertained by my screaming when the ride started. I might or might not have yelled a few bad words from time to time (not really, but I did have to restrain myself). It was almost as bad as having no bladder control. Then, I settled down and thoroughly enjoyed the view for oh, about 5 seconds. I prefer the view from solid ground, I believe.


We then moved on to the Maliboomer, which is similar to an elevator dropping you to your death. Several times. Once again, I closed my eyes tight, screamed, and held on for dear life. While on this ride, we spotted the one we wanted to do next. The Golden Zephyr, which is a bunch of rockets that swing around on a carrousel and lift you high into the air. Just my speed. Of course, by the time we walked over to it, they had closed it for temporary repairs. Another ride we were deprived of. Drat!


The next ride we came across was the Mulholland Madness mini roller coaster. Not a big deal in the least but was scream inducing at the start. We stood in line behind this couple who slobber-french-kissed the entire wait through the line, only stopping long enough to move up and begin again. I don't think I'll ever be able to french kiss again after my 30 minute education seminar on french-kissing with slobber dripping everywhere. I'm still having nightmares.


At this point we were all beginning to show obvious signs of fatigue, so we decided we'd do just a few more rides, then head back to civilization.


Our next ride was the Hollywood Hotel Tower of Terror, which was the best thing we'd experienced yet. They take you inside and tell you the story of how it all happened to reach the status of the Tower Of Terror and that you are now going to experience what those who disappeared experienced. Oh. Joy. Mr. Snooty looked at SD and me as if to say "What have you gotten me into?" I was really scared but, I was trusting Disney to not kill me. Yay! We survived! Believe me when I say that this ride is truly *hair raising*.




After that, we headed back over to Disneyland thinking the crowds had cleared, but it had only gotten worse due to a parade of some sort that we had absolutely no interest in, so we skipped through that area like a bunch of little kids. Fast. We dodged people and small children as if we were experts. Actually, by that time we were.




We found that several of the rides we wanted to take were closed (only running during the weekends) so we found the Jungle Cruise and convinced Mr. Snoots to come along, which made a total of 3 rides he agreed to go on. I'm sure it was much more exciting (back in the day) when it first opened but it's pretty *jickey* now. Good for primary school children or just a chance for parents to rest for a few cool moments. A bit of a snore, really.



At last we came to The Teacups. Agreed that it would be our last ride, SD and I waited in line just like all the other parents with little kids. Oh, wait. Maybe we just felt like little kids in line with little kids. Actually, it was so much fun that we wanted to go again but there were so many little kids & their wards waiting that we decided against it.


It appeared that our wonderful Disneyland Experience was indeed almost over. Done with. Kaput. After a 30 minute hike back to the location of the car, we knew it was all over but the whining. That's my job folks. It took us approximately 45 minutes to make the same drive back to West Hollywood. Go figure. It was around 7:00 PM.


When it was all said and done, I realized that modern day Disney has set things up so as to make the whole *experience* easy and fun for those who stay at their surrounding Disneyland accessible hotels or live nearby and are season pass holders. Otherwise, my friend, you go to the back of the line where there are no perks. Yes, you can purchase what they call a FAST PASS, which only works on a select number of rides (of which most were closed during the week) and only operate on the weekends this time of year. Thank goodness we didn't buy into that scam. offer. I think we saw 3 rides all day that accepted FASTPASS. Ooooh! There's a bargain at $19.95. All it does is allow you to ride the attraction once again after riding it the first time, enabling you to cut in front of all the hot, sweaty tourists and *little ones* that have been waiting in line for an hour. Woo Hoo! Nope. Unable to go there.




In most cases, I discovered that you had to go to more than one place to get what you wanted to eat and/or drink. Otherwise, you were forced to just order whatever they offered. In the California park, it wasn't much better and many of the places were closed. I was just thankful to have a frozen margarita, even if it tasted suspiciously like a virgin margarita. They even made me show my ID. Give me a freaking break! I'm not Benjamin Button, for crying out loud. At my age, it's not in the least bit flattering to be asked for my ID. However, I'm sure the kid was told to check everyone's ID, even grumpy old ladies....