R E S P E C T.... Can We Ever Get Enough?

We all want respect, don't we? Is it something that has to be earned or is it something you give to those you love, unconditionally? Personally, I have unconditional respect for those I love. It doesn't matter whether they deserve it or not. I am their champion, come what may. Did I get that same unconditional respect in return while growing up? Absolutely. Not.

The dictionary defines respect (when used as a verb) as: to hold in esteem or honor; to show regard or consideration for; to respect someone's rights or feelings; esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person; a personal quality or ability; or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for his/her judgment.

In marriage, respect is a most integral ingredient to its success. Without mutual respect, there cannot be a balanced relationship. The same goes for friendships then, right? You'd be a fool to think otherwise.

Respect means a lot of different things. On a practical level it seems to include taking someone's feelings, needs, thoughts, ideas, wishes and preferences into consideration. We might also say it means taking all of these seriously and giving them worth and value. In fact, giving someone respect seems similar to valuing them and their thoughts, feelings, etc. It also seems to include acknowledging them, listening to them, being truthful with them, and accepting their individuality and idiosyncrasies.

Respect can be shown through behavior and it can also be felt. We can act in ways which are considered respectful, yet we can also feel respect for someone and feel respected by someone. Because it is possible to act in ways that do not reflect how we really feel, the feeling of respect is more important than the behavior without the feeling. When the feeling is there, the behavior will naturally follow.

We can all sense whether we are respected or not. This holds true for those with money and power as well. Moreover, it is quite possible that those who pursue money and power are actually trying to gain a type of respect that they never have truly felt.

When we are respected, we gain the voluntary cooperation of people. We don't have to use as much of our energy and resources trying to get our needs met. When people respect one another, there are fewer conflicts. In summary, it is for both evolutionary and practical reasons that respect is important, and also why we simply feel better when we are respected.

Respecting someone means respecting their feelings and their survival needs. Here are ways to show respect for someone's feelings:

• asking them how they feel
• validating their feelings
• empathizing with them
• seeking understanding of their feelings
• taking their feelings into consideration

For this process to work efficiently several things are required. For example:

1. Each person must be aware of their own feelings; i.e. know how they feel.
2. They must be able to express their feelings.
3. They must know how to listen non-judgmentally & non-defensively.
4. They must know how to validate feelings.
5. They must believe that feelings have value.
6. They must believe that feelings matter.
   

If respecting someone means respecting their feelings and their survival needs, then if a person does not respect your feelings, they don't respect you. If those in positions of power and authority do not respect your needs and feelings, they will not earn your respect.

Here are some specific ways to show respect:

• Asking others "How would you feel if..." before making a decision which affects them
• Voluntarily making changes and compromises to accommodate their feelings, desires and needs
• Not interrupting them
• Soliciting and allowing feedback. Trying to understand their beliefs, values and needs
• Giving them the opportunity to solve their own problems without underestimating them, in particular

These next three are my mantra:

Avoid telling them what to do
Avoid telling them what they *need to do* or *should do*
Avoid giving them unsolicited advice, sermons and lectures


Frankly, it amazes me to know how many inconsiderate people are in the world, who get by with that kind of crap because we actually let them.


So, why is it that everyone I know *In Real Life* finds it necessary to constantly tell me I'm wrong or tell me what to do and how to do it or simply ignore me? I think it's probably because I respect them enough to let them, but it can still be excruciatingly painful...