I Feel Like The White Rabbit in Alice In Wonderland...

"I'm late, I'm late... for a very important date!" Yes, readers, I am losing it, but I do feel as if I'm the White Rabbit in Alice In Wonderland. I've been running around all day like a damn chicken with its head cut off, trying to get last minute things done.

Our bedroom is a wreck since I have all my outfits hanging everywhere, with shoes, belts & purses scattered about the floor. It's a veritable accident waiting to happen and @ this point it's difficult to believe that it will eventually all come together in my suitcases. Hmmm... we shall see.

Being the old fart that I am, I also have an entire collection of blood pressure pills, cholesterol pills, migraine pills, menopause pills, thyroid pills, vitamins and others to remember. It's truly mind blowing and I'm screwed if I forget any of them. I'm just thankful that these still occupy a relatively small space in my bag, as I've heard they require larger spaces over time, increasing at will.

Why can't I just be happy with one purse & one pair of shoes? Oh, yeah! I am woman, hear me whimper... if I can't bring them all.

Watching the HU pack, I'm getting totally PISSED OFF! I mean, he is only packing 2 pairs of shoes, several pairs of khakis, a navy blazer, several dress shirts, Hawaiian shirts, shorts, and jeans. Aaaaaaargh! If he asks me one more time why I can't get packed faster, I might have to hurt him. I mean Really. Hurt. Him.

As women & wives, it is our dubious responsibility to look good. If I don't look my absolute best, then it makes my hubby look as if he isn't a good provider, and he's a very good provider. He always acts like it's no big deal how I look, but I guarantee you IT IS IMPORTANT (especially @ my ripe age). I'm just around the corner from being spoiled fruit, which means I just have to work harder to look good. It's beyond exhausting, really.

Besides, there's always that gnawing little thought in the back of my mind, that if I happen to see an old flame, I want him to regret he ever dumped me, instead of the other way around. You know what I mean... yes, you do. You don't want to see a old flame looking like shit, because then he walks away with the thought "Damn! I sure dodged a bullet there!". Nope, not me..... can't do it, even if there is the slightest possibility of an encounter. I want to leave them (however significant they were to me) with longing & regret. Hence, the routine of maintenance & upkeep.

Hellfire, the time I spend on my manicures & pedicures alone would astound all you young'uns, not to mention the entire exfoliating thing. I'm telling you, at my age, maintenance is a full time job. (I have to perform most of these duties without my glasses on, so that I don't see the scary truth.) Gawd forbid I should ever let someone else see me during maintenance down time. It has become a very private ritual for me. As you can guess, I spend A LOT of time alone in order to keep to schedule.

So, of course, my medium suitcase is full of the tools & products that I need to maintain my look, which is indeed a very complicated regime. I always insure this bag for extra money, otherwise, I'd be likely to kill someone if it was lost. Diamonds aren't a *girl's best friend* at 55.... mineral make-ups & creams & lotions are. Oh... What am I saying? I'd also kill anyone that lost my clothes & shoes. We're talking about a slow, painful death here. I'm the woman you always see looking out the window of the plane, trying make sure she sees her bag being loaded onto the plane. I can't relax until then. After that, I'm good for cruising at high altitude.

I must sound sooooo anal retentive! Honestly, I am not! I just get a little kuckoo when preparing for a trip. George Carlin explains this better than anyone and he's not even a woman!

Once we arrive in L.A. and get checked in to the hotel, and unpacked, I'll be loaded for bear. Or something like that (I've been in Texas too long). I envision myself looking so incredibly good, that people will think I'm surely some producer's wife. Or something not even closely resembling that. Whatever. I can dream... Oh.... then I remember the bad haircut. *SIGH*

I'm sure that I'll have plenty of time to keep you posted, as the hubby hits the rack early and I'm left to my wandering mind, which clearly needs reigns. So, next time you hear from me I'll be writing from sunny southern California....

Snooty Primadona's Musings, Opinions & Critiques on Just About Everything Under The Sun… (Which translates to: I can insult the best & worst of people

Okay, I feel that I must say this upfront. I'm about as far from a "snooty primadona" as a woman could possibly get. However, I just love that title and had to make it mine! Quite frankly, the older I get, the more irreverent I get, so this just makes so much sense.

This is a picture of me from a few years ago when Dave, Clint & I all had our salsas entered in the Austin Hot Sauce Festival. I think this was from the 3rd year we all entered and DIDN'T WIN ...AGAIN!

I quite often stick my size 8.5 foot in my mouth even though I seriously don't mean to, but then sometimes I do mean to. Okay, I'm a paradox unto myself, but it doesn't end here by any means. People are so very strange and I like to toss wrenches into the works whenever possible. Whenever someone I know (and don't necessarily like) gets too full of himself or herself, I have this uncontrollable urge to knock them back to reality. (Yes, you moron, we are all, alas, humans. It's just that some us aren't sheep...) I just cannot help myself because it's always so much fun to do so. I like to do things like inquire as to whether it's time for them to take their medication or suggest it might be time for whatever meditation exercises they practice, to begin. I get many indignant stares as well as stares of disbelief, which are always most rewarding. Then I just let out a little giggle and move on to something else. Once again, get over yourselves. I ALWAYS LOVE THAT LINE OF Julia Robert's in "Pretty Woman" when she gets in the elevator for the first time & says "OH NO! I HAVE A RUN IN MY PANTYHOSE! OH WAIT! I'M NOT WEARING ANY PANTYHOSE!" That always cracks me up and the look on that woman's face is priceless!

ON ANOTHER NOTE: For the last several months, I've been undergoing a lot of dental agony, with not just one, but 3 dental MD's. Some of you with dental phobias might want to go on to the next post here. One is a regular dentist, one is a peridontist, and the other is an oral surgeon. I started out with an abscess tooth (yup, OUCH!) so, my regular dentist referred me to both the peridontist & the oral surgeon. The former for a spine tingling & excruciating "deep cleaning" and the latter for a 3-part root canal. Can we talk fun here??? Painkillers NOR Xanax worked on me for any of these procedures, but I've defied the odds & lived to tell the tale. For all of the above procedures I really wish that I'd had my Ipod because the sounds made by the doctors' tools were actually worse than the procedures. Forget fingernails on a chalkboard…. that would have been like music compared to this. Soooooo….. $5,000.00 later, I'm told to come back in 6 months to see if the procedures worked. TO SEE IF THE PROCEDURES WORKED?????? ARE THEY KIDDING???? SO THEY GET PAID THAT MUCH MONEY FOR A "MAYBE" YOU'RE TOOTH WILL LAST?? WE'RE TALKING ONE TOOTH HERE PEOPLE. IS THERE NO JUSTICE LEFT IN TOOTHDOM?

Alright, I've taken my Xanax and have calmed down now(just kidding - I don't take anything).... HAPPY? LOL! Well, I am happy and that's all that counts in my book, so get over it. Life is mysterious.... don't take it too serious... avoid being a moron at all costs.