Monday, April 28, 2008

The Alien In My Neighborhood... An Ongoing Saga...Chapter One

We've been living in our neighborhood, in the same house, for 22 years. Neither of these two first houses is mine, but you get the idea of what the neighborhood looks like. It's a lovely neighborhood where everyone cares about their lawns and the street appeal of their homes. Being a smallish town of around 100,000, most of us know one another in our neighborhood, or we've at least heard of one another, or seen one another in passing & wave.

Then, about 6 years ago we were invaded by an alien who began buying properties and building a gargantuan mansion. Life, as we knew it, will never be the same.Let's call him *Mork*, shall we? Please feel free to click on the pictures for a larger, more astonishing view.

First of all, *Mork* bought and tore down one of my favorite houses in the world. That accounts for Strike Number One. I can't begin to tell you what a charming house it was. I used to play in it as a child and have wonderful memories of it. Then *Mork* tore it down. *Mork* tore it down 6 years ago and began building his dream home. Six years ago. His dream home is a 3 story structure that towers over a neighborhood filled with mostly one story homes & a sprinkling of modest 2 story homes. This accounts for Strike Number 2. Is anyone starting to get the drift here? *Mork's* home-to-be also covers an entire city block. An entire city block. I'd say this accounts for Strike Number Three. For six long years we have endured the work crews, the trucks, the caterpillars, the semi-trucks, the workers & their trucks and the traffic of gawkers 24 hours a day. I'd say that accounts for Strike Number 4.

He reportedly paid a cool one million dollars for the house & property. This is a well known fact around town. He paid a million dollars to tear down the existing house & fill in the pool. That calls for Strike Number 5. This is just the left side of the house.

Once several years ago, he came to us (and the all the other neighbors) with a proposal for a "fence" he was wanting to build. This is a picture I took while stopped at the stop sign, before inching out. Click on the picture for a larger view. Little did we know we were signing up for the alien to build a replica of the Great Wall of China. I kid you not. Now, when stopping at the stop sign at the corner, one must inch out halfway into the street in order to determine if there are any cars coming. By the time you've pulled out far enough to see, you could could be slammed by an oncoming car. But, gee, we were the fools, weren't we? I had honestly envisioned a sturdy picket fence with solid rock posts or something. Hmmmm... I'd say that accounts for Strike Number 6.

Some days, when they have a particularly large delivery of trees or European windows or whatever the delivery dujour is, the semi-trucks delivering them, block the entire street until it's been unloaded. This forces anyone traveling in that direction to turn around & take another route. So, they use any number of driveways down the street to turn around. It's annoying and it takes a toll on your driveway. After an additional 100+ times of people pulling in & out besides you. Because the street isn't wide enough with all the parking of worker's trucks and all. Jiminey Cricket! I'd say that qualifies for Strike Number 7.

Now, before all of this madcap building began, the house that stood on that property was a modest two-story house, no taller than many of the trees on the property. It fit well into the neighborhood of mostly upper middle class homes that were built back during the first big oil boom in the 1950's. The former house that stood on said property was the favorite house of many who live here in our town. They also had a wonderful vegetable garden on the side where they used to grow a huge field of corn. Yes, corn. Right here in town. The best corn I ever ate. Probably because my neighbor/friend & I sneaked down to the corner at midnight to steal it. Made the corn ever so much sweeter. So, perhaps you can understand why I miss the old place. I miss our moonlight escapades & all the giggles as much as the corn. So, I'd say this unequivocally qualifies for Strike Number 8.

*Mork* also bought the property behind him. It was another one of my favorite houses and had a gorgeous swimming pool in the backyard. Again, he tore the house down and filled in the pool. He reportedly bought that house for $800,000.00, although it was being listed to sell for $625,000.00. To tear it down and fill in the pool. What's the matter with kids today? Apparently some have more money than sense. Holy Crap! That would make Strike Number 9.

*Mork* told us the former garden area is going to be made into their English Garden. How lovely. In West Texas. Good luck with that. He's also building a playhouse for his 5 children that looks to be as big as our four bedroom house. I suppose with 5 kids, you need a playhouse that big, but it is also 3 stories. Leapin' Lizzards! That most definitely calls for Strike Number 10.

*Mork* seems to have adjusted quite well to our planet. He started collecting classic vintage cars (fully restored to their former beauty) and has now collected 8 in all. (which is, of course, only hearsay) So, where is *Mork* going to keep all of these cars? In his underground garage, of course! He's currently putting in an underground parking garage that reportedly will accommodate dozens of cars. Call me crazy, but I'd say that makes for Strike Number 11.

UPDATE! Now, after meeting with city council and a few of the neighbors, he has thankfully withdrawn that request & has chosen to house his fleet of vintage cars elsewhere. Sure. That should be fun. Not. Ever. I can't imagine why he didn't check into this before he made all those plans. In our part of town, which is an older area, the rules are a bit different concerning easements and exactly what kinds of things can be done to the properties. The original lawyers who built in this neighborhood way back when, were not fools. So, Minus Strike Number 11.

All this has been going on now for 6 long years and I cannot help but wonder if his children aren't going to be grown before they ever get to play in the air conditioned, landscaped playhouse. Not that I care. I shudder to think of what teenagers can do in a playhouse that size. Word from the grapevine says that it is supposed to be another 2 years before the entire estate is finally completed. That right there just makes me crazy, so of course, we now have Strike Number 11.

Moving on along. Many of our trees have been dying and we're of course, convinced that the huge three story house is blocking our sunlight, which is the reason the trees are dying. Last year, on a day that we had wind gusts up to 70 mph, our carport roof blew completely off & landed on the sidewalk to the front door. We're now convinced that the large house is creating wind shears, which caused our roof to blow off, and damaging parts of our roof on the house as well. Well, in theory anyway. Hehehehe... I'd be willing to say that this adds up to a nice fat Strike Number 12. Of course, we never said anything to *Mork* or the insurance company. You know, because it's just an aerodynamically incorrect theory for ourselves, to explain how such a freaky thing could happen.

So this, too shall be an ongoing saga.... since the building is apparently going to continue for an additional 2 years.

This is a picture of the place where the English Gardens will eventually be. The children's playhouse is in the distance, to the left, still being built (behind the caterpillar).

This is our house, lol.They're going to love us being their neighbors. Yeeeehaaaaaaaa!!!! Bring on the chitlins and hog jowls, Pa! And don't forget those sweetbreads now, ya hear??? We're plannin' a party for them thar folks over thar. Yaaahoooooo, Mama! Let's go! So sorry for that outburst, but living down the street from this place is making me feel like we are The Beverly Hillbillys.

If you think this is our house, then you seriously need to quit reading my blog. Now. Shoo! Go!

No actual persons mentioned in this story exist in the real world and therefore, I will not be held responsible for someone thinking it is them because of their inflated ego. Really, I was just wandering around when I found this place. Really! Honest! There were also no animals harmed in the making of this story or the taking of these pictures.

If he'd just buy our house for an incredibly ridiculously overpaid price, I'd happily sing his praises. Until then... Pffffttttt! This rant has been brought to you by Snooty Primadona.


Mental P Mama said...

OMG. We are living in the midst of McMansionland here, too. But, starting to see the real estate nosedive have a little impact. Still, Squazz took me to see a 38,000 square foot job the other day. I think they have one kid. Poor people, and I really mean that, too. Poor souls.

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

We have "the castle" here, man started building a real castle for his new bride it took five years and they were divorced before it was finished its been for sale for three years now, no buyers, its a "tourist" attraction for Lexington although its not an official tourist place everyone always drives by the castle and laughs at the fool that built it and now doesn't live there and is tring to sell it

Treasia said...

I liked the original house Mork tore down much better than this huge eyesore he is building. I feel for you.

brneyedgal967 said...

What an asshole. Really. There's plenty of land in West Texas - acreages - it takes a true asshole to do this to a developed neighborhood.

Ummm... I'm thinking toilet paper right before a rain should adhere pretty well to the monstrosity of a stone fence he built.

Mamahut said...

I think my cousin Leray lives in the last picture. Do you know the West End in Colo? They still in the year 2008 have an outhouse. He says it's just wrong to shit in the same house that you eat in. lol. God love him.

scargosun said...

Wow. That is just awful. I am sure that you can figure out a way to get a lawyer to tie up the construction in court for years if you'd like. By leveling houses and changing the land structure, he will probably cause,
1. Wind issues
2. Water issues
3. Oh! Maybe an endangered species lives close by.
Maybe toss a few spotted owls his way and call the Sierra Club.
He he he.
Where I grew up we were lucky, there is a ton of land in conservancy so most of the farm land and old estates are still intact. It IS crazy what people will build after they knock down a place though. They double the footprint of the house and then wonder why they have water leaking in the basement. "Cause you built it on a spring, moron!"

P said...

Ok. I clicked on the pic with the kids' playhouse. And all I can say is, Can I please be their kid?! I'll be good and live in the playhouse just fine.

Asthmagirl said...

That fence needs to be reviewed by someone at the city. I'm sure it's in violation of a code somewhere!

Great post. It's a shame this has to happen and the thought if it being 6 years... hello??

Hottdog said...

well golly. you live in a beautiful neighborhood! and obviously mork thought so too.

p.s. i love your little *shack* -wink wink-

Daryl E said...

Holy Moly ... in my part of the universe its THREE strikes and your out .. what a fucking PITA Mork is .. that he built this of brick proves he's afraid of the Big Bad Wolf .. how did he ever get zoning to permit such a monstrosity?

Husband was in special forces and knows how to use plastique .. I'm just sayin'


Snooty Primadona said...

I apologize for not being attentive to everyone else's blogs yesterday & today. We're going to see our son in Austin this weekend, so being the anal retentive packer that I am, I've started packing (sheesh, we're only going for 3 days,lol). I've also had tons of errands to run that I've been ignoring since I started blogging.

MP: I love that. McMansionland

QuEEn: Well, this is a very good couple that are building the house & I hear the wife is embarrassed by it all. But I think they have a solid marriage, from what I've been able to tell.

Treasia: Yup, it ain't easy playing the part of the Beverly Hillbillys.

Tammy: You see, we actually want him to buy our house so we can get the hell out of here, lol.

Mamahut: Wow! And I thought my cousins were bad, lol.

Scargosun: Been there, done that. Didn't work, except that we did prevent him from building that underground parking garage. I mean, come on man!

asthmagirl: Actually, by the time it's through, it will have been 9 to 10 years from beginning to end. We're getting too old for this shit and We just really want him to buy our house!!

hotdog: Thanks. You know, I thought about you when we were in L.A. I got to see the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile but it left before I could get a pic.

Daryl: LMFAO

noble pig said...

Oh Lord, that trucks for 6 years..tell this guy to get a life!

Meg said...

brneyedgal967 said...

Have fun in Austin... and sending packing fairies to help you with your OCD packing anxiety. *chuckle*

elizasmom said...

Gawd. Horrors all around, but being a treehugger and all, the English Garden in West Texas thing really sets my teeth on edge. Can you IMAGINE what kind of a stress that is going to place on an already scarce resource (water) — for the entire neighborhood?! I'd be ranting too, believe me.

Have fun in Austin!!

Snooty Primadona said...

elizasmom: Everyone in this neighborhood has water wells that were drilled who knows when. What worries me is that we're all tapping the same source of water and at the rate he's using it... it might not last much longer. It costs a freaking fortune to drill for a new well, as Cathy of Noble Pig well knows. Even if he did offer to buy our house at an outrageously ridiculous amount, I'm still against what he's doing to our once peaceful neighborhood.

Krysta said...

Can't someone run him over? Just say you couldn't see him with that big huge ass fence in the way. Jerk!

scotte said...

unfrigging believeable!!!! I can't believe you can find the will to blog about anything else. I would be very upset after 1 year but 6 with 2 to go. You are a saint-lady.
This same thing is happening in Lubbock tx. A whole neighborhood has been bought and razed! Shameless in this day and age of green living.
Good luck and litigation!!!


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