Friday, April 4, 2008

It's Beginning to Sound Like A Jungle Outside....

Wow! We must be in full swing of Creature Spring Mating Season. They're all out there *doing it*.... the birds & the bees & crickets & whatever other little critters lurk beyond my door. I tried to keep the door open in my study (next to the desk that houses my computer), and I couldn't even hear myself think! Pipe down you ANIMALS! It's hard enough trying to think without all that blasted racket going on for a nice confusing background noise. What is this anyway, some kind of Paradise? I think not. Judging by the sounds barging through my screen door, you'd think I lived in the middle of fucking nowhere. It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't go on all night long and into the morning. All night long I hear them.... ALL of them. Which of course, makes it impossible to sleep with the windows open on cool nights.

All this noise is especially annoying on nights when I'm having trouble sleeping and my legs keep getting stuck together with the night sweats of being a menopausal woman. It's almost like trying to pry apart hard candies that have been left in the sun. It's also painful at times, if one attempts to separate one's legs too quickly. Trust me on this one. So, there I lie in my bed, staring in the direction of the ceiling, in the dark. Spread-eagled. Sweating profusely. Listening to all of God's creatures, who happen to be having a Sex & Mating Convention just outside my window. Listening to the snorting/snoring person next to me who had double covers on while I choose the no covers category.

I suppose it doesn't help that we have grapevines just outside the windows. I have a feeling I'm going to take that vine out this Summer. Yes, in fact, I'm sure of it. You see, the grapevine coils around a wire trellis which runs from the fence to the side of the house, therefore providing an excellent place for the birds to gather & do whatever else birds do in addition to making lots of noise & pooping wherever they please. The squirrels (that I am oh so not fond of) find it particularly entertaining using it for their workout center, doing all manner of trapeze artist type tricks. The little rats. Cute, furry little rats. Say *bye bye* to your recreation area you little rodents.

The grapevine was here when we bought the house 22 years ago, but we've never paid a moments attention to it. It simply grows on its own in one of our side yards and seeks water wherever it can, I suppose. We've never watered it, but it still continues to thrive & produce fat green grapes every year. The birds have usually pretty well consumed the grapes before they turn even slightly sweet, so I've just never paid much attention to it, aside from eyeing the vines for a wreath project a time or two. Well, let's say I never paid it much mind until I hit menopause. Hehehe... Sorry old grapevine friend, but I'm downsizing and you're history. Soon. Very soon.

Now mind you, I did attempt to get the birds to move by putting a lovely feeder in the backyard, but they just crapped everywhere on my patio, so that plan didn't work. Then, I even went so far as to buy a big fat slingshot (which I was exceedingly giddy about) only to discover I'm no better with a slingshot now than I was as a kid. I did accidentally put a tiny little hole in one of my bedroom windows. Not to worry, duct tape to the rescue. Yes, it is very tacky, but problem solved (for now anyway).

So, it seems my only course of action is to not take any action. I mean, I really like to watch the birds when I'm sitting on the patio in the evening... they're a hoot to watch. So, I went to the drug store and bought little nerf type earplugs and if those don't work, then I suppose I'll have to resort to listening to my Ipod while trying to sleep. Sure hope that fire alarm doesn't need to be heard during the night. That would be a tragedy.

So, I'm not so looking forward to yet another night of jungle life (fever) and sticky buns 'n thighs. I know. Try to not be jealous. Trust me, you'll all get to experience the joys of menopause one day. You Lucky Girls! I would give anything to be able to tell you that it's really fun & a blast & how wonderful it is to be a menopausal woman, but I'd just be lying through my fucking teeth. However, I have heard that if you survive menopause relatively in tact, the rewards get even better. Oh. Never mind. I must have been thinking about something else & got my wires crossed. After menopause, we just start to shrink as our feet & noses get bigger, lol. YeeeeHaaaawww! Aren't you just thrilled with anticipation? Honey, that's just the tip of the iceberg. All of the hellish delights of growing old are just a few breaths away. So, fiddle while ye may.

Gawd, are we having fun yet? I just hope that you aren't all living with a thermostat gestapo, like me. The man who rules the remote in this house seemingly also rules the thermostat. He & I are polar opposites in body temperatures. He wears his winter warm-up suits in Summer to play golf. I have night sweats. I have day sweats. I have sweats that don't give a rat's ass what time of day it is. You do the math. So, in winter he keeps me in Summer clothes due to the heat. In Summer, I live in a swimsuit & pareo due to the heat. We don't have a pool. Yup. That's just what I was thinking. Clearly not proper treatment of a primadona. The quality of his life, as he knows it, might be seriously about to go downhill if he continues this pattern of behavior. ;-P I'm not saying this in jest.

What makes him even more annoying at times, is that he's practically deaf, so he says "What birds? I didn't hear any birds." No kidding. Really? So, he apparently didn't hear the crickets or the other zillions of little beasts out there making their mating calls. *SIGH* Guess he didn't hear himself snoring like a freight train either. Go figure. I'm not sure which is worse... The birds chirping, the squirrels chattering or the snort/snoring of my bed mate, soon to be other bedroom mate. The things I put up with, I swear!

Help Mr. Wizard!


Janie said... always make me laugh...thanks!!!

Mental P Mama said...

LOL...our guestroom is called The Snoring Room. Even the dog won't sleep with him when he's really bad. But, I am lucky that my squazz likes it as cold as I do...and that he happily trudges off to his snoring place when I tell him that I can't take it any more! Gah.

Treasia said...

Ain't menopause grand? My husband looks like a sleeping Eskimo at night while I am coverless and sweating my ass off as well. However I am the snorer in our family so he suffers equally.

brneyedgal967 said...

Try this.

You: (Lying there sweating like a 400 lb. man in a trailer with no air conditioning.)

Him: (All cozy and warm under a pile of blankets... snoring.)

Birds: (Twitter, Tweet, ... relentlessly.)

You: (Whack him in the head with your palm.)

Him: What'd you do that for?

You: Do what?

Him: Whack me upside the head! Sheesh! (I don't know if he'll say sheesh or not, but go with me here.)

You: I didn't hear anything. You must have imagined it.

I don't know if it will work. But it might make you smile imagining it.

That's all I can offer. Hope it helps.

noble pig said...

Oh no! Not the grapevine!!!! Ahhhhh!

Snooty Primadona said...

I know, I know! I hate to take out that vine.

In rethinking that, I think maybe I should just get drunk & pass out every night until this mating season crap is over, lol!

Unfortunately, there is no help for the wicked.

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

I have a snoring hubby.. he has a C-pap machine... I have the ceiling fan on and the a/c plus the Tv...No nature noises coming through in this bedroom
I sleep in cotton with a thin top sheet as soon as it goes on about 2 minutes later off it goes.
The sweats are the best when giving a speech in front of 50 college students and I look like I am on fire and someone sprayed me with a hose...Gosh I love being a woman!


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