Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Holes In The Desert... Snooty Style

Nooooo... I'm not talking about the kind of holes punched in the desert outside Las Vegas by the likes of Bugsy Seigel and Meyer Lansky. I'm talking about holes in the desert that are ever changing and elusive. I'm speaking of the pesky little holes with a staked flag that your ball is supposed to fall into with that lovely little rolling clink sound.

Yes, Genius, I'm talking about golf. I love golf. I hate golf. I love golf. I hate golf. I love golf. I hate golf. Oh, make me stop Mr. Wizard! I've never in my life had such a love/hate relationship with a sport, for crying out loud. This is the most degrading, rewarding, frustrating, blissful, tortuous, awe inspiring sport I've ever had the misfortune to take part in. So, why do I play, you ask?

I play golf because I love being outdoors and doing something. Anything. As long as I'm outside. Well, most of the time. Living in West Texas presents challenging weather & terrain for those who seek physical exercise outside of the Gym. Because of the lack of things I grew up liking to do, I have been doomed to play a game that I will never master.

This coming Thursday we leave for San Saba for the first of our yearly Desert Duffers Golf Tournaments. We'll have another one in July up by Dallas and yet another in October down by Kerrville.

We never win diddly squat at these tournaments. Because Mr. Snooty & I suck at golf, basically. It also has a lot to do with the format. Which is not advantageous to those who play golf like a couple of major league hackers. We do rather nicely at scrambles, but suck at all others. However, I strongly feel that there should always be losers. You know, to make the winners feel even better. The same winners that seem to be right up there in the winner's circle year after year. I'm just saying...

So, why is it that we go to this tournament? Is it the mosquitoes the size of small dogs? Is it the fact that there are no nice places to stay and no restaurants? Is it the fact that we somehow enjoy being the big LOSERS? Is it that we enjoy driving 5 hours to get there & 5 hours to get back? Is it the 90+ degree weather with a 100+ plus humidity level? Oh, contraire!

We go for the sheer joy of being with friends (even if they kick our collective booties), being outdoors, and enjoying life itself. At our age, it really doesn't get much better than that (after being with the family, of course). I choose to overlook the meaningless facts that I:

1. Still occasionally whiff the ball.

2. Have not yet broken 100.

3. Often get angry & hit up to 11 balls in order to at last get a decent tee shot. (just call me tin-cup)

4. Cuss like I have Tourrette's Syndrome.

5. Am known to occasionally *toss* a club.

6. Turn beet red in the face of heat and sweat worse than any pig I've ever laid witness to.

Yup, that ought to hook a few newcomers, lol. It's a constant struggle trying to figure out why the heck I keep playing this game. So, let's examine some of the alternatives, shall we?

Tennis: I save my knees for the slopes. Never was any good at it anyway.

Running: Nearly killed me by stroke, in the heat. No thanks.

Swim: We don't have a pool and I "don't do" public pools. Period.

Biking: Tried it for 6 months. It nearly killed me by heatstroke.

Hiking: What good would it do to hike on flat land? Exactly. None.

Spa: Only if they have machines that move body parts for you. Period.

So, that pretty well covers the choices I have out here in the desert. I play golf because Mr. Snooty likes to play and because I have to do something besides sit around blogging all day.

This coming Thursday we will roll into San Saba and play one practice round with our best buddies. The next day, we'll start the tournament which begins with tee times at 1:00 p.m. You know, the coolest part of the day. The same on Saturday. The temperatures are supposed to be in the high 90's, with high humidity, and a heat index in the 100's. Do I sound excited yet? So, if I survive this tournament again, I'll be back to tell about the agony of defeat. Or else you'll never hear from me again. Time will tell, Dear Readers. Prayers and good vibes welcome on all levels.

In preparation for playing golf in the heat, I've come to realize that I need more items to insure my comfort than the average lady golfer. I have a complete menagerie of items designed to keep me cool, none of which work exactly like air-conditioning, but are absolute necessities if I plan to survive. I'm also always on the prowl for more miraculous items.

This is a very important item for my survival. You fill it up with water, insert batteries and you get a lovely wet breeze when you need it.

My Redneck Air Conditioner always comes in handy.

Then, there's my array of golf visors. I wouldn't dream of leaving home without a choice.

I wouldn't even be able to play without this baby. It really put out a powerful breeze and can even be worn around the neck.

Heaven forbid I should ever leave without my trusty 95% Deets. Hello other health problems. I'll do almost anything to keep from getting bitten.

Although I normally play in regular golf shoes, the heat forces me to wear these lovely sandals, which I hate because they are UGLY, but wear anyway. They are just plain unattractive, but they do keep my feet cooler.

I did get to play one day last week and I made it on the green in regulation on a five par. My friends were so excited they had to take a picture of me. I am so HOT! Not. My ball had just barely squeaked onto the green. Wonders never cease.

So, I'm off to go practice for a couple of hours in preparation for this travesty of golf that we call a tournament. I'm doing this every day until we leave. Not that it will help.

There is a prize, however, for DAL (meaning Dead Azz Last). Maybe we'll get it this year.


scargosun said...

I keep trying to get P to take it up so that maybe I will too but he is resisting. He still like his contact sports.

:-Daryl said...

Better to be a golfer than a golf widow. Lucky for me Husband only watches golf ... sigh ... :-Daryl

Janie said...

Girl. you need to check out the KEEN shoes. They are cute! And have almost as much a/c to them!

Mental P Mama said...

Honey, I would never play golf under those conditions. You have my respect.

noble pig said...

Wow, it sounds like you can't wait to get there!

But the things we do for friends and family are boundless.

I suck at golf too but I have high hopes.

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

Golf Course + Heat + Walking chasing ball + Hotflashes = Heat Stroked Dead Queen
would try: Club House + A/C + Margarita Slushes + Friends = Helluva Golf Outing
Bows chanting to Ms. Primadona, I'm unworthy, I'm unworthy

Mamahut said...

Oh Snooty, you crack me up! ~ Hiking on flat land bahahaha. I have toasted my knees because of skiing, I now need to hike on flat land but I live on the side of a damn mountain, if I go to the garage I need a hiking stick. You will have a great time I bet.

Snooty Primadona said...

scargosun: Thank goodness Mr. Snooty hasn't played contact sports since Jr, High, lol. Hell, he's never once exercised or walked or anything in 30 years.

Daryl: Yes, I was determined to find something we could do together and this was the total list. Golf. I like watching golf on TV about as much as I liked having a root canal.

Janie: Yes, I've looked at the Keen sandals and they are no cuter... just more expensive, lol.

MP: Thank you! I think I deserve sainthood for the extremes I go to for Mr. Snooty, lol.

Cathy: Oh yeah! I guess you picked right up on my overall joy, huh? I always have high hopes that maybe today is the day I break 100, then they only get squashed again.

QuEEn: You are too funny! Add to that list the stress of LEANING OVER to pick up the ball, lol.

mamhut: If I survive, it will be fun. If I don't.... well...

Krysta said...

Golf is just wrong. I hate it! I go out there with the hubby and can hit the ball straight and about 125 yards it's the putting and chipping I cannot do. We don't play together anymore because we almost killed each other on the course one day after I threw a hissy fit.

Snooty Primadona said...

krysta: Been there sistah, believe me. We have finally made peace with playing together, but he still can't keep his dear mouth shut. Forget the fact I never utter a word when he lifts his head & shanks a shot. Uh-huh!

kellypea said...

You are certainly equipped! I don't do heat. I melt. Literally. As far as being DAL, I'm thinking the view is great!


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