Monday, June 9, 2008

Today I'm Fulfilling My Midlife Aging Dream... One Baby Step At A Time

Yes, I'm excited beyond belief. Today I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon to begin removing the tiny little red spider veins around my ankles. I mean when you walk around on your ankles all day, every day, with flat Hobbit Feet, there's going to have to be some major overhaul work to be done on those babies at some point in time. That time, Dear Readers, has arrived.

Frankly, I'm having this done because I'm too big a weenie to have anything I really need to have done, done. I'd really rather have a breast reduction to eliminate the deep canyons that have been carved into my shoulders after roughly 44 years of trying to hold up these heavy, cumbersome boulders. However, I hear that it really hurts and I'm just a damned weenie.

So, I'm taking the easy road. One baby step at a time.

Next week, I'm really going into uncharted territories. Oh yeah! I've made an appointment with the podiatrist to try and remove the 36 year old twisting, winding plantar's wart I have in the ball of my right foot. I've decided that 36 years is long enough to suffer. Notice that I used the word try (as in remove). I'm not even certain that one can get rid of a plantar's wart after so many years of infestation. The Wart & I have been together for so long, I can't even imagine what life would be like without such random ice-pick-stabbing-pain on a daily basis.

However, Mr. S has informed me that listening to me rub my feet together is something akin to the Song of the Cicadas (locusts). Yes, it's that bad. He claims he can't handle stereo... you know, me inside the house and the locusts outside. It's apparently too much for the poor man. He also claims to be growing weary of listening to me scream in pain, clutching my right foot. I don't hold that against him. I'm far more sick of it than he is. So, I've agreed to see the Doc next week. I wonder if I'll have separation anxiety like babies have with their mothers. I mean, we've been together almost as many years as Mr. Snooty & I.

I wonder if, once The Doc has extracted the corkscrew monster from the ball of my foot, he will allow me to take the creature with me. Weird, you say? No way! I want to torture that sucker or keep it in a jar of formaldehyde, on display, for all to see. Hey... I could charge all the neighborhood kids a quarter just to see it. Like some kind of weird Freak Show and I'd be forever after known as the scary neighborhood Wart Lady. Or I could make a fabulous collage with The Wart as my focal point. And win an artistic interpretation award. WoW! I'm thinking the possibilities might be limitless.

Hmmmm..... Actually, all I really want is to have a life relatively free of pain. I want to be rid of the little Stephen King Devil who dwells within my foot & constantly stabs at it with a dull ice pick, often awaking me from a deep sleep. I want to turn the tables and stab that little devil for a while. No. Wait. I want to stab him for the next 36 years and see how he likes it. Little demon. In. My. Foot.

The oddest part of all this is that for 36 years Podiatrists & other doctors have been telling me what I have is a callous. Ummm... Callouses don't bleed when cut, so I do an occasional self-surgery (so that I can walk) and it bleeds every time. I'm too big a weenie to cut even slightly deep. I've had the "callous" surgically removed six times, but it always finds its way back. Like a bad penny. Callouses don't do that. Where did those guys go to Medical School anyway? Dementia University?

I've no doubt that you'll all be forever grateful to me for not sharing my pictures of said Wart On Foot. I won't even share the freebie pics of other Demon Warts found on Google. (Trust me.. they are deeply scary) You're welcome. I wouldn't wish this on the person I despise most in the world.

15 comments:

Mental P Mama said...

Ouch and ouch. Had plantar warts removed from each foot about 20 years ago, and I think it was the best thing I ever did! My doctor lasered them out...and I won't tell you how big the holes were. And mine were not nearly as ripe as yours! At any rate, you are going to feel great once it heals. I promise;)

Daryl said...

I had a neuroma in my left foot for 3+ years .. and after it was removed I wondered why the hell I had waited so long. AND after the surgery the doctor showed me the ugly fcuker and said 'this is what was in your foot' .. lovely .. I have been pain free ever since ... I know you will be very happy when its all over ... think of all the new shoes!!!!!!!!

:-Daryl

Treasia said...

I had one of those once and was never so happy I had it removed. You will be pain free soon.

Rob said...

Best of luck with that! Gotta take care of them feets!

Regardless of the chiding I get from my snickers buds, I suck it up and get a pedicure about once every 3 or 4 months. It's a think little slice of heaven, I tell ya. And each time since I started this about 4 years ago, my ingrown toenail problem becomes more and more a distant memory. It only rarely crops up anymore.

elizasmom said...

Woah. I kinda wish I hadn't googled the demon warts. Yikes. You poor woman. I hope the doctors lets you take it home and poke it with a stick. I love to keep weird stuff like that too. Wanna see my wisdom teeth? I have 'em in a box somewhere...

Mamahut said...

Ouch! You could throw it a going away party or would that be called an exorcism? Did I spell that right?

asthmagirl said...

Your foot and my leg, Snooty! Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you find someone ruthless to go after the little bugger!

scargosun said...

Good luck with that! Take care of that foot while it's healing. I like the idea of a freak show. It kinda balances things out with "The Lord of the Manor" next door. ;)

Snooty Primadona said...

WoW! I never realized there were so many others out there who do or have suffered. Just when I was licking my wounds thinking I was all alone, lol.

I went for the initial consultation for the spider veins today and I'm excited about that too. It's relatively inexpensive and quickly done. I really like the lady doctor, so I'm feeling really good about this.

Flea said...

Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!Hope you find major relief soon.

BTW - a couple of my close friends are traveling to England soon. They'd like to come stay with you after their European vacation. Is that alright?

Snooty Primadona said...

Flea: Hey, we have lots of room here in hot, dirty West Texas. My question is this... Why would ANYONE want to come here if they didn't have to? LOL!

imbeingheldhostage said...

OMG that was funny-- wait, you did mean it to be funny, right? And about the separation anxiety, I had a couple of skin biopsies a few years back and I was surprised how I felt about a couple of chunks of skin removed-- this coming from a woman who swears she will remove anything remotely resembling cancer. It was weird watching moles go away that I had had my whole life.
Thank you for skipping the photos :-)

Meester Snooty said...

daryl said "... think of all the new shoes!!!!!!!!"

Hey..wait a minute!

Mental P Mama said...

Bon Voyage! I hope it's cooler in OKC. I just went for my annual today at the...um...Gyn. She actually told me it was okay to hate being hot!!!! Who Knew....Who knew?

brneyedgal967 said...

I have perfect feet, so I can't relate. My ass is another thing. I don't think there's a surgery for that yet.

I hope the surgery can be done and will take care of the vile monster once and for all!

 

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