'Twas The Night Before Christmas... Snooty Style

I wrote this last week and thought it was kind of fun...

'Twas the night before Christmas
When All through the house
Not a soul was stirring
Not even a grouch.
The stockings were hung
Where the fireplace should be
In hopes that St. Nicholas surely would see
The muffins we'd left for him with some hot tea.
The children were grown but asleep in their beds
As thoughts of free maid service danced about in their heads.
With Pappy in his room and I in mine
We had just polished off a good bottle of wine.
When up on the roof there arose such a fuss
As the noise tumbled, hit the proverbial dust
I leaped from my sleep with eyes open wide
And peeked out the window to see what was outside
The moon made the desert look covered in snow
And allowed me to see what had fallen below
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a big fat limo with my blog friends standing near.
The driver bore an uncanny resemblance
To a guy I once knew who had driven an ambulance.
More rapid than fruit flies, his vixens they came
As he whistled & coaxed them & called them by name.
On Tammy, On Lauren, On Jeri & Treasia!
On Diane, On Janie, On Cathy & Felicia!
To the top of the porch, bouncing off of the walls,
Now dance away, dance away, dance away all!
As dry skin that past forty will certainly fly
When met with an obstacle like waddles or eyes.
So off to the week-long spa we soon flew
With a limo full of Botox and St. Nicholas too.
And then through giggling I heard them all shout
"Get your ass down here, Snooty. We're all going out."
As I drew in my hand and was turning around
I noticed a lasso that St. Nick had thrown down.
"Grab on and hold tight" I heard him cry
So, I squeezed my eyes closed & held on for dear life.
When at last I was out with nary a tether
I realized my friends were all talking on Twitter.
Santa had a broad face and long tall legs
With a cowboy hat sitting on top of his head.
This can't be an elf, my friends & I said.
"I'm Santa's first helper" the driver said then
Stroking the hair on his chinny chin chin.
I'm here to take you and make you anew
It's what you wished for, every one of you.
He spoke not a word as we flew through the night
We twisted and turned and then took a right.
He soon dropped us off at The Golden Door spa
Where we all giggled and Ooo'd and Ahhhh'd.
With a wink and a nod, off he flew in a flash
Saying "Don't worry ladies, you won't need any cash!"
And in the distance we could just barely hear
As he wished us "Merry Cristmas and Happy New Year"!

Could this be the new face of Santa? Mmmrrrrowwww!