Child Rearing Afterlife... AKA Baby Separation Anxiety In Reverse... AKA Empty Nest Syndrome

Since our son & daughter are no longer living at home, I have a much clearer long term view of being an empty-nester. Of course, most Moms will bawl like babies before, during, and after initial separation, but hopefully not until they have deposited their children in their respective dorms and driven away. I did. It was excruciatingly painful to let both of my children go off to college since they had been my main job for 20 years total. However, I was also excited about getting to know my husband again after all those years of going in opposite directions. Let me just say that took some adjustment. We were almost complete strangers & I was worried that we might not be able to recapture what we'd had between us back when we married in 1977. But, I didn't really expect that. I just wanted to have a good relationship again. Somehow, we were able to find it, but not without obstacles. You have to really want to make it work again or it's just wasted effort.

Luckily, we were able to mend the fences & become reacquainted with one another again, although it isn't the mad, passionate love we once had. It seems to be somehow different, and yet the same. We'd spent so many years in *Parent Mode*, I feared we couldn't make the transition and I think it's like that for a lot of couples. If you aren't in touch with one another by the time the kids have been gone a couple of years, then it's probably a lost cause, in my honest opinion.

At any rate, here is how the whole scenario goes (okay, for me anyway):

You spend time & money shopping & getting them off to college, which should be considered time & money well spent. You shop for all the things they'll need, load the SUV (top and interior) with all those things, you help them move into their dorm, hang pictures & other stuff, run at least a gazillion times to the hardware store to find the little item you forgot on the last trip, then they want you to get the Hell out. I was eventually okay with that.

Then you make the drive home, perhaps crying all the way or at least part of the way. When you get home, it's so quiet you could implode. Then the phone rings and it's the college kid... wanting something. Wanting you to send lots of somethings. So, you send them. Every time there is a request, you send the items. Between the phone calls & the packing & shipping of said things you're barely able to catch your breath. At this point you're thinking "What empty nest?"

I recall one instance when we went out to dinner with friends for the evening, which was the first time in many years. When we arrived home, there were like 4 answering machine messages from our daughter with the last message saying "Mom! Dad! Why are you not picking up the phone? I know you're there!" I'm pretty sure Mr. Snoots and I had laughing fits as we were swinging from the chandeliers. When I finally spoke to her, I said "Hey - Guess what? We have a life now. Get used to it." I think she was in total shock for a month. It might have been three months.

If they decide to come home for the first summer you once again think "What empty nest?" You find yourself running errands for them & cooking again, just like before they ever left. Their rooms have become something similar to a shrine that's been rented out temporarily to a young stranger, so you don't mess with them. SD was only home the first summer, working full time for our best friends' law firm. The next year she was home long enough to take a class at the local junior college that included a two week trip to Boston, New York, Philadelphia, and Washington DC .

When school starts back in the Fall, you are saying your blessings & thanking God they are once again gone. Besides, it's football season and you can hardly wait for game weekend road trips. The phone calls & requests for things they need continue, but on a slightly smaller scale. You begin to realize that you might just be able to have a life beyond children. This is the time in which you begin to once again blossom as the human being you were before being someone's Mom. You might even become something better than you were before as it all depends on what you want at this juncture in your life. We all want something different but that doesn't mean we really even have to accomplish anything at all. It becomes our time to do whatever we want, hopefully with someone we love.

You still make the trips to attend sorority or fraternity parties that invite the parents. It's all fun and you talk with other parents who are also discovering (or not) they might just have a child rearing afterlife as well. This is, understandably, a slow & gradual process. You take your kids out to eat and suddenly discover that they were actually paying attention when you were teaching manners. That, or their friends shamed them into better table manners. Either way, you are grateful to whatever powers be.

By their third year of college you realize they are truly growing up and you really did a fabulous job. You can pat yourself on the back here. The phone calls dwindle to once or thrice a week and your new life begins to take shape.

When they reach their senior year of college you don't actually realize that things are coming to an end until they come to an end. Once they graduate and go out into the real world to work you are still taking care of business & never quite understand what is happening until it does happen. You then realize that they have done exactly what you trained them to do for 23-24 years. You also realize the two (or however many) kids suddenly like and care care about each other. You realize all those referee sessions during car trips and in public, paid off.

I just want the soon-to-be-empty-nesters to know that this whole process is only as difficult as you make it. Don't be anal retentive, overbearing, or smothering about it all and learn to go with the proverbial flow. Always encourage them to be as frugal and thrifty as possible, since they won't always be on Dad's payroll... and keep reminding them of this throughout their college years.

I recall our daughter bringing home a wonderful poem from Sunday school, by Erma Bombeck, that I still have on my refrigerator:

"I see children as kites. You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you're both breathless...they crash...they hit the rooftop...you patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them be lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they'll fly. Finally, they are airborne, they need more string and you keep letting it out. But with each twist of the ball of twine, there is a sadness that goes with the joy. The kite becomes more distant, and you know it won't be long before that beautiful creature will snap the lifeline that binds you together and will soar as it is meant to soar, free and alone. Only then do you know that your job is done."
Erma Bombeck

It has all made me see that I need to get busy living or get busy dying, but I'm not ready for defeat yet. I've still got a world of things I want to do & places I want to go. When my time comes to leave this world, they're going to have to drag me kicking & screaming, because I will not go quietly now that I finally have my life back!

It's Almost Valentine's Day!

Tell me kids aren't hard on a woman. Here's a picture of me @ 9 months, with my daughter who is now almost 23. She weighed 10 lbs. 2 oz. I can give you a 100% guarantee that not even "going under the knife" will help a woman's stomach that has been stretched beyond the far horizons of normalcy. I do remember my doctor telling me that it was possible to have big babies without weight gain like mine, but at that point he was talking to my hand. I promptly lost all 60 lbs. within 6 months... or was that 12 months? No matter... what the hell did he know? He never actually had a baby & women have been having them forever. Besides, both of my children were practically potty trained & through w/ teething by the time they arrived in the world and, of course, only pooped roses. How cool is that? Oh, and the next picture after the preggie pic (yes, I used to be a brunette until I turned gray w/ children) is of the little darlings of whom I speak... all grown up and livin' large. Actually, it's a picture of two of my three favorite people in the world.... my daughter & my son (he did his share of damage as well, lol).

So, it's almost Venereal Disease Day!!!!!... Ooooops, make that Valentine's Day. That was a serious "old fart moment". Anyway, I consider V-Day the most overdone holiday of the year, in my opinion. I mean, did you ever think about how many people declare their undying love for one another every year... only to retract those sentiments & no longer be with that person the following year? So why does almost everyone put Valentine's Day on a pedestal & act as if it were right up there with Christmas? Because once upon a time... long, long ago, men were required, by the dictations of society, to "court" ladies and once the verbal bond was made, a gentleman would certainly never go back on his word (which was actually about the time the word "cad" came into play). Men & women used to have long courtships, then agree to make a committment to one another about sticking together through thick & thin. Back then, V-Day was a huge deal because most people honored their word and romance was truly romantic.

Today, I look around at all of the failed marriages & relationships just in my "little world" and it just makes me think that V-Day is almost a joke. Frankly, back in the old days, people married someone they knew they liked & would grow to love and that would be someone they could live with when the sex was gone. As archaic as that may seem, it's actually the perfect formula for a good marriage. Being stubborn helps a little as well (as long as you're both stubborn). As in: "You go first"... "No, you first..." Noooooo... you. NNNNooooooo... yooooooouu, and so on.

I can say this because I've been married to the same guy for 30 years now & we're both in for the long-haul. Our's has not always been a perfect or even an easy marriage, as we've weathered many storms that would have thrown most couples overboard into divorce court. There were times we both wanted to give up in total exhasperation, but deep down inside, we've always really liked each other, even though the child-rearing years would often leave us in question of that fact. Let's face it... kids are hard on a marriage, to be sure. Maybe we were just some of the "lucky ones", maybe it was fate, maybe it was an accidental union. Me? I don't really give a hoot as long as our lives continue getting better & better.... like now. The best part of all is when the kids are grown and you can finally be friends again. Life is good!

You know, we always joke & tell people we're each so spoiled that no one else would have either of us, but the truth is that once the kids were gone from home & we began the process of getting to know one another again, we were both pleasantly surprised to find that we still really fit together. Seven to ten years earlier we certainly didn't feel that way. It always seemed like the kids were constantly pulling us in opposite directions with their sports & all of the dozens of other activities. Since we had two children, one of us was always in attendance with one kid while one of us was with the other. We used to pass each other coming & going with a quick peck on the lips & a promise to talk later. It was almost like living with a roomate instead of a spouse. Those were the toughest years, but we somehow we made it through the fog to where we are today. Ten years ago I might have been subconsciously entertaining fantasies about a spousal upgrade, but so was the hubby, and somehow we weathered that storm too. So, tonight I just had to lean over & give him a gentle kiss on the forehead because the man who never even so much as grilled a steak during the first 23 years of marriage, informed me that he is making grilled lobster tails, Caesar salad & some crazy, decadent dessert called "chocolate purses" for me for V-Day. All I can say about this is: "Damn, I'm glad we weathered the storms, because this sure feels like Heaven". You see? He has finally begun treating me as if I am the princess I've always thought myself to be. Smart man..... ;-)