Where The Hell Did That Come From?..... Sleepwalking Part 3

After the kids left home, I began to notice strange things happening around the house and it took me some time to figure it all out. Yes, I'm often stoopid that way. And yes, I know how to spell stupid, okay?



First of all, let me bring you newcomers up to snuff. Due to Mr. Snooty snoring like a freight train, smoking in bed, going to bed at 8:30 PM and rising at 4:30 AM (so that he can check the overseas stock markets), we parted bedroom ways about 15 years ago. It doesn't mean that we don't love each other or that we don't still have relations. On the contrary, this move has saved our marriage. Trust me.

We have different sleep styles, keep different hours, and one of us is a noisy sleeper (snore beast) while the other is a fidgety sleeper (thank you menopause!). Get it? Got it? Good. The reason we're still married is that I made the ever so wise decision to move him to my Great Grandmother's poster bed in the guest room (with a strategically located smoke detector, thank you). I love this man with all my heart, but he's impossible to sleep in the same room with. Then, there's the whole *thermostat nazi* issue, which I'll elaborate on at a later date.



So, when I began noticing the strange occurrences happening in our home, I originally thought perhaps we had ghosts or entities of some sort. It became clear to me that we had *visitors* in our home and it was beginning to frighten me. It started out with such innocent things as toilets being used without being flushed, doors being open that had previously been closed by me, closet doors flung open, and other such similar occurrences.



Then came the whole urine-in-the-guestroom-bathtub issue. For several months, I began finding urine in the guestroom bathtub. I initially thought it was the damned cat and I wreaked havoc on her life, even banning her to the outdoors at one point. Then it happened again during her banishment, which got her off the hook for the crime. I relinquished her exile and allowed her to come back inside so she could continue her other bad habits of shredding upholstered furniture and leaving cat hair on virtually every piece of furniture that we own. However, she was acquitted of the urine-in-the-bathtub crime, about the time I discovered Mr. Snoots engaged in said crime.



Like I said before, this is my cross to bear and when you love someone enough to marry them, you agree to marry them in sickness and in health, until death do you part. I just never realized that would entail the whole sleepwalking thing or I might have decided otherwise (not really). But, I'm in for the long haul here folks, which includes the whole shebang, like it or not. I am his and he is mine, so I continue to protect him as best as I can. I do this because during his waking hours he has a heart of pure gold and I've been in love with him since second grade.



When confronted with this, poor Mr. Snooty was completely mortified and could not believe he had done such a thing. It was awful to witness, really. He was horrified and in denial until I made him see that no one else (including the four legged creatures) had been inside the house during the time it occurred.



Fortunately for me, it only happens once or twice a year now, so I'd say he has been able to somewhat come to grips with it, in his subconscious anyway. Hey - It's better than the living room carpet, right?



So, my daughter emails me yesterday to tell me how funny she thought this particular *sleepwalking series* was. Then she dropped the proverbial bomb. She said, "Are you going to tell them about the night he sleepwalked into my room during the time I was home for Deb Season?" I felt as if I had been zapped with a Taser Gun.




I told her I had not known and asked why she didn't tell me. She said it was simply too awkward for her to speak about at the time. We had a house full of her college friends (including bad boyfriend #1) and sorority sisters. It was the week of her Debutante Presentation and she just didn't want to talk about it. Understandably, she had many other things on her mind and I might have completely lost mine, had I known.




Had I been aware of this, I would have found handcuffs to keep him in bed at night… I know policemen. Okay, I know one. He would have surely helped me out of my dilemma, had I realized what I was really up against.



If it weren't so tragic, it would be hysterical. Welcome to my world.




It just goes to show what an admirable young woman she is, with a level head and a keen sense of humor.


We still love our Mr. Snooty with all our hearts, as much as he loves us. I want you to know that sleepwalking is just that. Sleepwalking. Sleepwalkers have no idea, or ulterior motives, or subconscious motives for doing what they do when they are absolutely sound asleep. They cannot help what they do. You can read all kinds of things into their behavior, but it won't stick. They are totally innocent and unaware of their actions, which are often triggered by stress and/or sleep apnea. And, I can't tell you how many times I've heard my dear hubby gasp for breath in his sleep. It always scares the hell out of me. Should he seek help for this disorder? Probably. Will he seek help for for this disorder? Probably not. He's a man, you know. And he doesn't ask for directions when lost, nor does he ask for help with a problem like sleepwalking. Therefore, I continue to protect him and keep him safe. I took a vow that I will keep until the end of my time here on earth. I don't deserve wings or a medal. I'm just doing what I promised to do when we said our vows at the alter. I love him just as much now as I did 31 years ago when I made that promise.


However, it certainly helps to have a sense of humor when you have a sleepwalker in the family. I'm glad that I was able to raise a family that is able to exercise their sense of humor, as need be. I'm just saying....