Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Where The Hell Did That Come From?..... Sleepwalking Part 3

After the kids left home, I began to notice strange things happening around the house and it took me some time to figure it all out. Yes, I'm often stoopid that way. And yes, I know how to spell stupid, okay?

First of all, let me bring you newcomers up to snuff. Due to Mr. Snooty snoring like a freight train, smoking in bed, going to bed at 8:30 PM and rising at 4:30 AM (so that he can check the overseas stock markets), we parted bedroom ways about 15 years ago. It doesn't mean that we don't love each other or that we don't still have relations. On the contrary, this move has saved our marriage. Trust me.

We have different sleep styles, keep different hours, and one of us is a noisy sleeper (snore beast) while the other is a fidgety sleeper (thank you menopause!). Get it? Got it? Good. The reason we're still married is that I made the ever so wise decision to move him to my Great Grandmother's poster bed in the guest room (with a strategically located smoke detector, thank you). I love this man with all my heart, but he's impossible to sleep in the same room with. Then, there's the whole *thermostat nazi* issue, which I'll elaborate on at a later date.

So, when I began noticing the strange occurrences happening in our home, I originally thought perhaps we had ghosts or entities of some sort. It became clear to me that we had *visitors* in our home and it was beginning to frighten me. It started out with such innocent things as toilets being used without being flushed, doors being open that had previously been closed by me, closet doors flung open, and other such similar occurrences.

Then came the whole urine-in-the-guestroom-bathtub issue. For several months, I began finding urine in the guestroom bathtub. I initially thought it was the damned cat and I wreaked havoc on her life, even banning her to the outdoors at one point. Then it happened again during her banishment, which got her off the hook for the crime. I relinquished her exile and allowed her to come back inside so she could continue her other bad habits of shredding upholstered furniture and leaving cat hair on virtually every piece of furniture that we own. However, she was acquitted of the urine-in-the-bathtub crime, about the time I discovered Mr. Snoots engaged in said crime.

Like I said before, this is my cross to bear and when you love someone enough to marry them, you agree to marry them in sickness and in health, until death do you part. I just never realized that would entail the whole sleepwalking thing or I might have decided otherwise (not really). But, I'm in for the long haul here folks, which includes the whole shebang, like it or not. I am his and he is mine, so I continue to protect him as best as I can. I do this because during his waking hours he has a heart of pure gold and I've been in love with him since second grade.

When confronted with this, poor Mr. Snooty was completely mortified and could not believe he had done such a thing. It was awful to witness, really. He was horrified and in denial until I made him see that no one else (including the four legged creatures) had been inside the house during the time it occurred.

Fortunately for me, it only happens once or twice a year now, so I'd say he has been able to somewhat come to grips with it, in his subconscious anyway. Hey - It's better than the living room carpet, right?

So, my daughter emails me yesterday to tell me how funny she thought this particular *sleepwalking series* was. Then she dropped the proverbial bomb. She said, "Are you going to tell them about the night he sleepwalked into my room during the time I was home for Deb Season?" I felt as if I had been zapped with a Taser Gun.

I told her I had not known and asked why she didn't tell me. She said it was simply too awkward for her to speak about at the time. We had a house full of her college friends (including bad boyfriend #1) and sorority sisters. It was the week of her Debutante Presentation and she just didn't want to talk about it. Understandably, she had many other things on her mind and I might have completely lost mine, had I known.

Had I been aware of this, I would have found handcuffs to keep him in bed at night… I know policemen. Okay, I know one. He would have surely helped me out of my dilemma, had I realized what I was really up against.

If it weren't so tragic, it would be hysterical. Welcome to my world.

It just goes to show what an admirable young woman she is, with a level head and a keen sense of humor.

We still love our Mr. Snooty with all our hearts, as much as he loves us. I want you to know that sleepwalking is just that. Sleepwalking. Sleepwalkers have no idea, or ulterior motives, or subconscious motives for doing what they do when they are absolutely sound asleep. They cannot help what they do. You can read all kinds of things into their behavior, but it won't stick. They are totally innocent and unaware of their actions, which are often triggered by stress and/or sleep apnea. And, I can't tell you how many times I've heard my dear hubby gasp for breath in his sleep. It always scares the hell out of me. Should he seek help for this disorder? Probably. Will he seek help for for this disorder? Probably not. He's a man, you know. And he doesn't ask for directions when lost, nor does he ask for help with a problem like sleepwalking. Therefore, I continue to protect him and keep him safe. I took a vow that I will keep until the end of my time here on earth. I don't deserve wings or a medal. I'm just doing what I promised to do when we said our vows at the alter. I love him just as much now as I did 31 years ago when I made that promise.

However, it certainly helps to have a sense of humor when you have a sleepwalker in the family. I'm glad that I was able to raise a family that is able to exercise their sense of humor, as need be. I'm just saying....


Daryl said...

Ms Snooty is lovely ... what a fabulous smile ...

and I suspect Mr Snooty would have died on the spot if he knew he wandered into her bedroom nekkid.

These were wonderful posts and like you I too 'signed on for the whole cruise' .. we love these men just the way they are ..

snooty daughter said...

Haha, it was traumatic at the time! But totally hilarious now- I miss you and the zombie!

Living on the Spit said...

Loved the whole series as well!! While I haven't signed on the dotted line YET, I am definitely in there for the long haul too...it's been 4 years now and I haven't left yet!

SJN said...

a few thoughts come to mind...
1.you have to write a book
2.you have a beautiful daughter
3.thank goodness for guest rooms
4.put a lock on the outside of the guestroom door
5.smoking? hope he's quit that!
6.God bless you!

TSannie said...

Now that's the way to keep us hanging!

Tell Mr. Snoots to go for his SA. My hubby did, which I thought would NEVER happen. He now wears this mask thingy (and looks exactly like Hannible Lecter when he had on that mask). That morning after he'd worn it for the first time, he announced that he hadn't realized how badly he had been sleeping as it was the first night he'd actually SLEPT for years! And I bet you're right - it would probably help Mr. Snoots sleep-walking.
Can't wait for the next chapter!

imom said...

This series has been hysterical! My husband has a horrible snore. He went in for the sleep test and found he was waking 50-60 times a night.

He has one of those masks just like Annie's husband and now there is never a snore out of him and he's sleeping well! But yes, men are so damn stubborn about that stuff!

Staci said...

I was telling my cousin about these posts and she reminded me that her little brother was a sleepwalker too, and once used her bed as his own personal bathroom.... I must have just blocked that out, LOL

Your daughter is a beauty!

Nina Knox said...

I have looked forward to reading your site every day. Very funny. My husband doesn't sleep walk, but definitely snores, so I can totally relate to the separate bedroom thing. I'm seriously thinking about it.

Shawn said...

So what exactly happened when he sleptwalked into her room? Nekkid? Girlfriends in there with her? Tried to pee in the closet?

Ya left me hanging here. My little brother tried to pee in the refrigerator one night. Sleepwalking is an odd thing.

Snooty Primadona said...

Daughter said he came in while everyone was asleep & promptly left, lol. Thank God!

Heather said...

I'm SO worried about what the future holds for me with Golfing Son and his sleeping walking rituals.

What is it with the peeing while sleeping? That's exactly what he tries to do--in the wrong places.

Since I sleep a total of about 40 minutes a night, I have always caught him and redirected him to the toilet before any damage occurred. It seems to be getting better, but I'm still worried. Oh no, now I'll be down to 30 minutes a night.

Snooty Primadona said...

Heather: From what I've read, most kids grow out of it...

Patty said...

No sleepwalker in our house. One night I told my husband I thought heard someone peeing in the toilet off our bedroom. He said I was crazy.

A few evenings later, I heard the same thing. I knew someone was peeing in our toilet. I nudged my husband to get up, but he rolled over and went back to sleep. I crept into the bathroom and deduced we had a peeing ghost.

A few days later, I was taking a bath, and in walked one our cats who jumped up on the toilet seat and proceeded to do his business.

I have heard of cats learning to use the toilet, but have never heard of a cat teaching himself. Now if he could teach the other 4 cats!

Now, the bad thing is that sometimes we get up in the middle of the night and have to form a line at the toilet, and wait on the cat who seems to get a cat chuckle at beating us the toilet.

The wife said...

I have loved this series! And thank you for writing about sleeping separately. Hubby and I have haven't consistently slept in the same bed for years. We are the worst bedmates possible. I'm a light sleeper and he's a snorer. Two, I got used to having a bed all to myself while he's away on business and it's hard for me to share now...just call me a bed hog!


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