Sunday, April 19, 2009

Whoa There... Just Where Do You Think You're Going? Sleepwalking Part 2



Mr. Snooty's sleepwalking became so bad at the lake house that we had to tell guests to be sure and lock their doors at night. Oh yeah, that was a fun detail believe me. The Zombie had proven time and again that he could pull his Houdini act with our locked bedroom door or being delimitated to the bedpost, or both. So, my only choice was to inform our guests ahead of time. Trust me. They appreciated it. I was able to keep him from going outside by locking the deadbolt on the front door and putting the key in my purse. I had to get a bit more inventive with the sliding glass doors, of which there were two. I finally found a couple of old brooms, which I sawed off and stuck down in the bottom. That seemed to work, which gave me a much more peaceful sleep.



After our children were gone from home, Mr. Snooty got worse with the sleepwalking thing. Since I was accustomed to staying up late during the children's teenage years, I suppose it stuck with me. I'm still a dedicated late night owl, which is probably a good thing. Someone needs to watch over the Zombie… ahem! I mean Mr. Snoots. However, he does often resemble a zombie when he's sleepwalking. His eyes are at half-mast and even seem to be glazed over, in a creepy 'Night of The Living Dead' sort of way.



I can't begin to tell you how many times I've been sitting at the computer at midnight when I hear the hall door open, which leads to the area of the house where all four bedrooms are. There he stands, after bumping hard into a couple of walls or bouncing off both sides of the doorframe. I've often asked him where he thinks he's going and he answers with a number of replies. "I'm going to the bathroom" as he heads to the living room. Ummm… no bathroom in there, babe. Then, I gently glide him back through the hall door, toward the guest bathroom, as I hope for the best. I don't want to awaken him, but I also don't want him to use the living room carpet for this activity.



Occasionally, he comes bouncing through the door like a ball in a pinball machine and says, "I'm going outside", which always strikes fear in my heart. I mean he's naked for Heaven's sake. I can't have the neighbors by chance lay witness to that, can I? And yes, he can unlock doors and pull them open in his sleepwalking stupor. I can't help but wonder if he intends to go outside and clean up that pile of yard debris that's been sitting in the same place for 6 months, in all his lovely nakedness. Probably not, but I always wonder.



Sometimes, I find him gone from his bed, so I go in search of him in order to get him back where he belongs. Or when I wake up in the morning, I pass one of the kids' rooms, only to discover an unmade bed. The Zombie strikes again!



Call me mean hearted if you wish, but I cannot help but break into unbridled laughter when I hear loud, ear bursting thuds as he falls out of his bed. I always know he'll be surging through the hall door next, and I brace myself.



Just last night I was up late playing (free) poker at Poker Stars, as I often do when I'm unable to find slumber. I heard the noisy triple thud signaling his fall that is always the precursor to the appearance of the Zombie. As predicted, he appeared at the hall door several moments later. When I inquired as to where he thought he was going he replied "Outside, to the bathroom". I thought, "Not on MY flowers, you're not" as I raced after him to intercede. In mid dash, it was too late before I realized he had done an about face, and I ran smack dab into him. Believe it or not, it didn't wake him.

I guess I don't have to worry about that whole waking him up issue any more.

To Be Continued....

18 comments:

Living on the Spit said...

This sounds like a full time job...too funny.

T said...

LMAO!

I only have to deal with a child that talks in her sleep - I can't imagine a sleepwalker! I'm goint to assume (& I do this with great trepidation) that you live in a ranch sytle house and don't have to deal with stairs.

Mental P Mama said...

Seriously? This happens like, every night??? Snooty: you get a halo for this.

Snooty Primadona said...

Honestly, it happens on the average of 3 to 4 nights per week. Well, when I catch him in the act. If he boinks into another bedroom, I don't usually find out until the next day, lol.

I'm telling you... you can't make this shit up!

I won't even get started on the messes he makes around here in his waking hours...

SJN said...

all that AND hot flashes to keep you awake, more than one woman should have to bear! My husband only snores occasionally, I feel lucky.
Do you snore, are you chasing him away? Just a thought...

imbeingheldhostage said...

Mr. Snooty has never read your blog, has he? I just wonder if he realizes how much we all enjoy hearing his stories :-)

Heather said...

I worry that my little Golfing Son will someday give another gal fits at night. Hopefully by that time he will stop screaming,"MOMMMMYYYYYY!" in the middle of the night.

Staci said...

hahahaha! I feel sort of bad getting such a kick out of Mr. Snooty's midnight rendevous.

I also like that zombies and politicians are interchangeable. Heh, I knew that!!

Shawn said...

Wow I didn't realize that you had so many talents. I will now list Zombie Herder among them.

Philly said...

I guess I can stop complaining about my hub's snoring.

#1

imom said...

This is some really good stuff!! I haven't really heard many sleep walking stories.

I did have one friend who spent the night and ended up sleep walking into my brothers room where she got into the laundry basket and started trying to put his clothes on. We all had a good laugh the next morning!

Daryl said...

I feel guilty laughing ... you said he goes to sleep very early, maybe that's part of the problem, maybe if he stayed up/awake later he would sleep better .. stay in bed asleep ...

When Husband was a little kid he did some sleep walking til his mother realized he was peeing the hall closet every nite ... if she were alive I would be asking her how she broke him of the sleep walking .. he doesnt really doing it only remembers being told he did it and insists he was framed.. LOL

noble pig said...

OMG he is relentless. This is too much, how do you do it? Can't wait to hear more.

Flea said...

Omigoodness. You poor thing. When my Hunny was a kid he'd sleep walk. He'd pee in dresser drawers, though.

asthmagirl said...

Oh my gosh... I can't believe it's been going on all these years. I think you've done a great job keeping him cooped up. My middle talks in her sleep, but I don't think she's ever walked. Unbelievable!

Nola said...

Does he feel tired in the mornings? All that extra exercise and wandering about. Does he eat in his sleep? lol

Patricia said...

At least Mr. Snoots is a nice Zombie and I don't know about your neighborhood, but mine is boring enough that a naked Zombie would be welcome.

TSannie said...

This is good! On to part 3!

 

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