Friday, December 4, 2009

Beyond The Age Of Fifty There Should Never Be Any Arms Length Photographs... Unless They Can Be Airbrushed

This morning I rose to find it actually did snow, which makes me wish I was 10 years old again so I could go outside and build a snowman... Anyway, I wrote this post last night & was too tired to finish it

I was desperately trying to work on reshaping my Christmas tree after it being ravaged by Mr. Snoots, being yanked here and shoved there, then left to get dusty in our rented storage unit. Let me just say that it took a heavy beating last year. I might possibly never get it to look right again but being slightly OCD, I probably will. That, or I'll cough up the cash-ola to buy a new one every 3-4 years. It would undoubtedly save a lot of time and trouble every 3-4 years at least.

Anyhoo, I couldn't see well enough to tell what I was doing and then I had a scathingly brilliant idea. I pulled out my headlight and immediately donned it. Voila! Problem solved. However, the people driving around looking at lights in our neighborhood surely thought I was some sort of odd Christmas light bobbing up and down as I worked the tree. I think they even drove by several times. Seriously. I have no drapes in the living room. Only the faux drapes we had put in temporarily when we first moved in here. Uh-huh. Only 25 short years ago.

So I went into a room with a mirror to take a picture of something other than the top of my head or half my face. I was horrified. Truly. With no makeup on, it was especially frightening. I now see my grandmother staring me in the face with a ridiculous headlight on. It's exactly the sort of thing she would have done at this age and yes, I look very much like her. Scary stuff indeed.

Remember how they always used to film Doris Day and Loretta Young with cheesecloth or something over the lens? It softened their faces since they were beginning to age. That's how I want to be photographed from now on and if I can, get a hologram of myself that always looks great. Now, that would be something useful. Trips to Europe? $15,789.00. A hologram? Priceless....

Hey - A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do...

And let me just say that it's colder than a witch's you-know-what tonight. I've already gone through the firewood I brought in last night and I'm dreading having to walk outside three steps to get some more. (I know. My problems are enormous, aren't they?) Tonight it's supposed to drop down to around 21 degrees with a wind chill of 8 degrees. I have all the outdoor plants bundled up for winter so we'll see how it goes, I suppose. The inside plants are already starting to give me dirty looks and whisper about what a bad provider I am. I've been... busy.

They are still predicting snow, but so far I haven't seen so much as a flake (well, not a snowflake anyway). Widiots. The weather idiots. They say 1/2" to 1" by morning but it's now 11:30 PM and as usual, nothing. Geeze. I'd love to have a job like that.

Here it is people.... Are you ready? Our snow has arrived. Maybe those guys got it right for once. After four days of predicting it every day.


Tammy said...

I sure agree with you on the photos! I'd love to have one of those soft lens attachments for every camera that shoots me!

I wonder if you live any where near Goldthwaite? I have a friend who lives there and she's getting snow too!

Mental P Mama said...

Is there a cheesecloth action? I am liking this new word: widiots. We have those, too;)

Snooty Primadona said...

Goldthwaite is down in the hill country... about 4-1/2 hours away. But, it's even snowing in Austin now. Crazy weather.

Pink Martini said...

Ha! I was actually watching a little Doris yesterday and the Vaseline covered lens that accompanied everyone of of her close ups. Didn't she have a gorgeous back though? Rumor has it was the best in the business. Pillow Talk ~ in that white dress where she meets Rock as the cowboy in the night club? Perfection.

You'll have to check my blog tomorrow to see what I'm doing tomorrow night. Wish you could join us. :)

Beth Dunn said...

Love the title! I heard they put Vaseline on the lens. We could all use that from time to time. xoxo


noble pig said...

I love the soft focus feature on photoshop..always awesome!! And Texas? Awesome.

Heather said...

I still can't believe you got snow. It's cold here. I hope the woolly worms weren't wrong about our mild winter.

Our senior class photos were taken like that and we all looked so good (we were 17 too). I love the idea.

Snooty you look great. Headlight and all.

Alex said...

Ha ha, love the headlight!

I could use a little vaseline on the lens too LOL.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I love that headlight! I need one for when I sew anything black.
We have snow. I don't like snow.
Heck, I'd be happy with a camera right now. I broke mine and now I have to use my cell phone one. The quality isn't the same.



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