Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Yes, It's Time For My Yearly Flatulence Post.... Wherein Emily Post Leaps Out The Window

I don't know about you but my mailbox has been inundated with catalogs. Most of them get filed in the waste can but I recently came across one that tweaked my interest. Inside I found the ad for a pad you wear that not only disguises the embarrassment of flatulence odors, but also muffles the undesirable audio of said flatulence. Why was I not the one to come up with this? I surely could have if I'd sat and thought about it. Anyhoo, it's called *Subtle Butt*, which is a gas all by itself.


Yes, the older we get, the more embarrassing we become; to ourselves, our friends, and our family. It's not like we can help the way our very own bodies betray us with age. Apparently, they have minds of their own. However, there are some geniuses out there who have been hard at work in sparing us the humiliation of a toot *slipping past* by accident.  I'm all over that band wagon, trust me.


Even my teacher, Mr. Snoots, takes pause at my massive amounts of (ahem!) inner gasses. It's only gotten worse since I began taking the 4 Fiber Select Gummies per day. I'm beginning to learn that I should only take them before bed. Therefore no one's sleep except my own, is disturbed. Yes, I'm thoughtful like that.


This is, of course, the reason I can't travel with *just anyone*. I need a travel partner that can withstand my ummm... odd bodily functions that perform at whim. The escapees gain freedom most often while I'm giggling or coughing, take your pick. Although, giggling is the  most frequent vehicle for escape. However, when you're alone 90% of the time like I am, you don't exactly exercise control. I mean, you're alone, right? That is a dangerous path of thought, trust me. Perhaps that is precisely why I'm alone 90% of the time. Hmmmm...


So, try and remember the sensitivities of your friends and kinfolk this year of 2011. Go outside to give all that noxious thanks for your many blessings. Your friends and loved ones will appreciate it, I'm sure. I know mine will....

10 comments:

These Nine Acres said...

I think this is the funnies thing I have ever read! I am all over that bandwagon too!

That Janie Girl said...

Girl. What a bunch of sppppppuuuuutttttttttt.....oh. Excuse me.

I thought I heard a frog.

You crack me up, girly!!

Heather Jones said...

HA! Any odor I would create right now would be topped by my the stench of my geriatric 15-yr-old puppy. But I'm doing everything I can to keep the stinky little guy with me as many days as I can. But with him around, I never have any "issues" of my own. :)

Flea said...

LOL! For the first time in my life I'm having to deal with this. My progesterone cream, of all things, messes with my digestive system. Grr. Stupid perimenopause.

Staci said...

Oh, Snooty, I'm borrowing your picture from the catalog. That is just too, too funny.

Beth Dunn said...

That is brilliant!
xoxo
SC

Diane said...

As the blog fest-ers can attest it isn't gas for me, it's burps. No, it's belches. Do they have belch buster?

Snooty Primadona said...

Hey, I have it all, lucky gal that I am. How could I ever be with anyone else than Mr. Snoots? He's the only one that thinks it's hilarious...

Paxie said...

Relieved to hear this. I thought something had DIED up inside me!

ROFL LOVE it :)

Bodaciousboomer said...

That stuff is a hoot; or should I say toot. If I'd known you needed it so much I'd had Santa bring you some Beano for Christmas.

 

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