Saturday, January 10, 2009

An Open Heart Letter To My Blog Friends....

Dearest Blog Friends:

I've been gone most of the day today, then we went out to dinner at a favorite local eatery with our son (who's here until Sunday) and our two best *friend couples*. After dinner we went over to the Galveston friends' house for a while. I relayed the story from yesterday about my new (who knows? it may be one of the old ones) Troll and had them rolling on the floor. However, I didn't take any pictures or elaborate any further because I have lately sensed a bit of boredom when I talk about my blog. The Galveston friends read my blog on rare occasion, but both have very busy lives and are seldom online. The other couple doesn't know or care what my blog is, although I love them both. The wife doesn't even do email. *Sigh*

Driving home I began to think about how important you have all become to me in my everyday life. I checked my previous posts to be sure and discovered that I began this whole thing February 1, 2008. Since that date my life has changed drastically and much of that has had to do with all of you. I've been trying to think of a way to put this without sound all sappy, but alas, I can't. For nearly a year I have been baring my soul, sharing my childhood horrors, venting, and revealing stories of my life that I have never before told. I have read your own stories and posts and sharings of your lives, and I have been totally captivated and often amused by them all. If I were not enthralled or entertained, I wouldn't be *reading* you. I'm dead serious.

You, my blog friends, know me better than even my best friends, because you know my heart. You have read and commented on stories that not even my best friends want to hear (or have heard), and you have made my heart and my will and my inner strength more powerful than ever. I just don't think there is any way I can ever repay any of you and yet, I feel as if I owe you my very life. Do you have any idea how much you have all saved me on therapy? Good God! You've all saved me from being institutionalized (so to speak)!!!!

When my best friend died suddenly from complications with her diabetes in 2006, I kind of went into a depression of sorts, often not leaving the house for a week at a time. I lost touch with other friends and acquaintances because I was totally into my grief. I wouldn't even answer the phone or the door when people called or came by. Her death shook me to my very core and I was totally lost without her. Suze was my lightning rod, my partner-in-crime, my grounding wire and so much more. I held her up while her son was deployed to Iraq and she held me up as I struggled to help my son through his addictions. We were best friends for 25 years. That's the longest amount of time I've ever had a best friend in my life. We loved each other like sisters and of course, we got mad at one another like sisters. There were times we didn't talk for weeks at a time for whatever reasons, but it was okay. We both knew it was and we were good with it. So, needless to say... I was a devastated mess for quite a while after her untimely death. She was only 50 years old. Her husband had moved on and was dating someone but I was still wallowing in my grief. It was a decidedly dark time for me, although I could usually put up a good front when I had to. I just couldn't do it for very long. I was still in so much pain. Those of you who grew up in *normal* homes (whatever that is) probably don't understand what it meant to me to finally have a friend for longer than a few years. It was a whole new experience for me. Then suddenly, Suze was just gone. Poof! Finis. History.

Then, in January of 2008 I bought a copy of MORE magazine and it changed my life. There was an article about women who blog, which reconnected me with a childhood friend, KK of Midlife Gals. I emailed her. She emailed me back. I said I loved her blog. She said I should try it, so I did. I have not yet regretted it. In fact, in spite of the sprinkling of nasty trolls, blogging has become a real treasure in my life. KK... I owe you a lot for your encouragement and support. KK knew Suze growing up and knew of her passing and she felt that I needed an outlet for my grief. KK... you have no idea what an explosion you created in me! In a good way, of course. I owe you so much more than a lunch of steak & frittes. I will make up for that sometime in the very near future, my friend.

Soooooooo... although none of you may know it, you have had a very profound and positive effect on the course that my life would eventually take. Nearly one year skipping down the yellow brick road and things are getting so much better. I will always miss my friend and sister-in-life, but you have all helped to ease my pain in more ways than I can ever express. You all have my undying devotion.

Thank You! From the deepest recesses of my heart I thank you with all I've got. I am your biggest and most loyal fan... all of you. And you can take that to the bank.


ReluctantYankee said...

I may be a new blog friend - but trust me, your blog has already become a treasure to me! I have also experienced my share of loss only this year - (my Mom perished in a fire this past January/we never made up - lost two of my closest friends this year as the result of gossip and misunderstandings - stress from an on-going neighbor dispute) so I know now what it means to want to disappear, feel true despair and sit quietly on a shelf. Thank you so much for sharing your letter, it's reminding me there might be light at the end of the tunnel yet!

Living on the Spit said...

I think of my blogging firends as the BEST friends in the world...I can not imagine my life without blogging...

I have been blogging since May 2008 and it only seems like 2 weeks...

Know you are supported and loved!!!


BJ Roan said...

Well said. I went into a blue funk after my mother passed away, so I know what you mean about not answering the door, etc. I felt the same. I love reading your blog, and do so religiously. Between working full time, writing, family, and Hubby, sometimes it's hard to find time to comment, but I was hooked from the first Snoot. Happy First Blogoversary! I had my 2 year on Serendipity last week.

Mental P Mama said...

Grief has no clock. Thank goodness you rediscovered KK. I read that article, too, and immediately paid those two funny gals a visit! Keep on keeping on, Snooty;)

Flea said...

I'm glad your out here in the blogosphere, Snooty. Blog friends truly are like having sisters all over the country. Thanks for being real all the time. You're a great inspiration!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for putting all that into words Snooty! I may not always agree with you, but I always adore your spirit! Not only have I grown quite fond of you, but I've met other folks through your blog that have become dear to me also.

I think for me, blogging has opened up connections which I haven't had. I've been home with my daughter for so long, that I've missed out on girlfriends and confiding in others and gigglefests... The blogo-sphere has certainly enriched my life!

The Incredible Woody said...

You may not believe this but last night in the shower, I was thinking these same exact thoughts! It may sound crazy but the people that read my blog know more about me, the real me, than people in my "real" life. And I feel such a connection to each and every one. I have written about subjects that I have NEVER told a soul about.

If I am reading someone's blog that makes me cry, my husband just looks at me like I'm a nut. It is hard to explain how you can feel so close to people you have never met before.

Thanks for putting all my feelings into words! Love ya'!!

Pleasing Procrasinator said...

Very well written. I have come to cherish the friends I have made in the blogging world. Although I may not always have time to read daily, or even weekly for that matter, I make it a point to catch up because I look forward to seeing what everyone is up to.
Meeting new people I wouldn't have otherwise as been such a fulfilling experience.

Snooty Primadona said...

See? You all *get me* like Suze did and I had really been missing the understanding of friends. Hubby said he thought he was my best friend. And he is. But, it's different with a girl friend. You giggle & share things you never could with a husband or guy friend.

Yes, sometimes hubby hears me laughing maniacally or sobbing at the computer & he often thinks I'm totally off my rocker. You all know better....

I cried so hard while writing this post last night. This morning, my eyes are swollen almost shut, lol. I guess we won't be going out tonight.

brneyedgal967 said...

I heart you Snooty - truly, of all the bloggy friends I've met, I hope you're one that I'll continue to be friends with, even if it's just phone pals long after blogging is gone ... if that ever happens.

I'll tell hubby something you said, I'll say "when I was talking to Liz" and he looks at me like "I don't know a Liz", so I correct myself and say... "I mean Snooty" then he knows who you are. I don't just find myself spending more time with my bloggy friends, these days I talk about y'all more too - and yeah, my RL friends don't quite get it.

So well written. Suze is smiling down on you that you've found a way to grieve AND laugh again.

Love ya, sweetie.

Snooty Primadona said...

Right back at ya, girlfriend! All of you!

Naz said...

Friendships can be taken in so many different forms. The internet is another way to forge strong friendships. Although I'm a newbie to your blog, I can see how many wonderful friends you've gained. It is truly a beautiful thing.

sista #2 said...

I love ya Snoots :)


Stephanie said...

I don't have a blog...yet but you give me inspiration to try one.

I have so enjoyed reading all your stories and escapades! Your life seems like such fun.

On a more sober note, I can totally relate to the depression. At the age of 15, my daughter came home from boarding school with some depression issues of her own. In the 6 weeks she was home my mother in law, aunt and mother died unexpectedly. Then dealing with her issues and phychologists and not knowing about her drug problems was devastating to me.

When she took off when she was 18 to be with her drug dealer/boyfriend I thought my life had ended. We were best buddies. I barely left the house that 1st year.

I haven't seen/heard from her in 18 months. I know where she is and as of Xmas I know she's alive but other then that...nothing.

So...thank you for bringing some laughter into my life. And yes, I'm okay. 6 years is a long time to deal with this and I've finally come out the other side of life; wiser, sadder, more impatient with stupid/vapid people, and on my way back to true happiness.

I can relate to your days at the Ursuline academy! I went to a Visitation academy where my aunt was a nun. Good times!

And,if I might be so bold.....let the issues with your mom go. She certainly didn't do right by you but by hanging on to all of your hurt, you continue to give her power over you. Let it go! She'll have to answer for it one day.

And you turned out just fine in spite of her! I think all women have issues with their mothers. As my daughter apparently does with me!

philly said...

I'm tearing up a bit.
The sista's heart you girlfriend!!


Staci said...

I am so glad I had a moment of divine intervention and ran into your blog. You even make me like Texas! :)

The Midlife Gals said...

Bless your SWEET heart, Snoots! Blogging has brought two sisters together in a way that has been truly stunning. It lead both of us to our true passions, then making our videos produced in us a drive to do what the hell we've been supposed to be doing all these years.

To know that we've lit a fire under someone like this warms the cockles of our hearts and makes us proud as punch!

KEEP it up! This is an outlet that no one really understands until they do it. It's something that can get us up in the morning and connect us with cyberfriends who might be closer to us than many whom we know in real life. And, Dai'am, it DOES save on the cost of a psychiatrist who might be as fucked up as we are!

The Midlife Gals
KK and SalGal

PS-Call us when coming to the A-Town!

Heather said...

I'll try to keep this short--key word,"try." But honestly, this is probably the most important comment I have made in my 5 months of blogging.

You have truly inspired me to my core. I adore your sense of humor and admire your strength. I live vicariously through you as you take on the trolls of life. With small children, I feel like I must chose my battles. So I often try to ignore the trolls and pray they will go away. My daughter once overheard me talking to Hubbie about a troll and she became worried that someone would try to hurt me. It broke my heart. But dealing with these situations has made me stronger.

I recently shared a story of yours with a friend. She asked me, "Whose Snooty?" I said one of my imaginary friends. I laughed and tried to explain our blogs to her, but she didn't quite get it. I realize that you are not imaginary at all, but indeed very real. Still you comfort me just like an imaginary friend did when I was little.

You are always there, even though I can't see you. I feel your support, even though I can't hug you. You wipe my tears, even though you can't hand me a tissue. I feel you standing behind me, even though I can't see the awesome shoes you are wearing. I laugh with you, even though it can not be heard. I'm a better person with you by my side, and you are by my side.

noble pig said...

It's a very expressive part of our lives and it's meaningful.

I'm glad you started blogging because you have entertained me more than I can imagine!

Thank you!


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