An Open Heart Letter To My Blog Friends....

Dearest Blog Friends:


I've been gone most of the day today, then we went out to dinner at a favorite local eatery with our son (who's here until Sunday) and our two best *friend couples*. After dinner we went over to the Galveston friends' house for a while. I relayed the story from yesterday about my new (who knows? it may be one of the old ones) Troll and had them rolling on the floor. However, I didn't take any pictures or elaborate any further because I have lately sensed a bit of boredom when I talk about my blog. The Galveston friends read my blog on rare occasion, but both have very busy lives and are seldom online. The other couple doesn't know or care what my blog is, although I love them both. The wife doesn't even do email. *Sigh*



Driving home I began to think about how important you have all become to me in my everyday life. I checked my previous posts to be sure and discovered that I began this whole thing February 1, 2008. Since that date my life has changed drastically and much of that has had to do with all of you. I've been trying to think of a way to put this without sound all sappy, but alas, I can't. For nearly a year I have been baring my soul, sharing my childhood horrors, venting, and revealing stories of my life that I have never before told. I have read your own stories and posts and sharings of your lives, and I have been totally captivated and often amused by them all. If I were not enthralled or entertained, I wouldn't be *reading* you. I'm dead serious.


You, my blog friends, know me better than even my best friends, because you know my heart. You have read and commented on stories that not even my best friends want to hear (or have heard), and you have made my heart and my will and my inner strength more powerful than ever. I just don't think there is any way I can ever repay any of you and yet, I feel as if I owe you my very life. Do you have any idea how much you have all saved me on therapy? Good God! You've all saved me from being institutionalized (so to speak)!!!!


When my best friend died suddenly from complications with her diabetes in 2006, I kind of went into a depression of sorts, often not leaving the house for a week at a time. I lost touch with other friends and acquaintances because I was totally into my grief. I wouldn't even answer the phone or the door when people called or came by. Her death shook me to my very core and I was totally lost without her. Suze was my lightning rod, my partner-in-crime, my grounding wire and so much more. I held her up while her son was deployed to Iraq and she held me up as I struggled to help my son through his addictions. We were best friends for 25 years. That's the longest amount of time I've ever had a best friend in my life. We loved each other like sisters and of course, we got mad at one another like sisters. There were times we didn't talk for weeks at a time for whatever reasons, but it was okay. We both knew it was and we were good with it. So, needless to say... I was a devastated mess for quite a while after her untimely death. She was only 50 years old. Her husband had moved on and was dating someone but I was still wallowing in my grief. It was a decidedly dark time for me, although I could usually put up a good front when I had to. I just couldn't do it for very long. I was still in so much pain. Those of you who grew up in *normal* homes (whatever that is) probably don't understand what it meant to me to finally have a friend for longer than a few years. It was a whole new experience for me. Then suddenly, Suze was just gone. Poof! Finis. History.





Then, in January of 2008 I bought a copy of MORE magazine and it changed my life. There was an article about women who blog, which reconnected me with a childhood friend, KK of Midlife Gals. I emailed her. She emailed me back. I said I loved her blog. She said I should try it, so I did. I have not yet regretted it. In fact, in spite of the sprinkling of nasty trolls, blogging has become a real treasure in my life. KK... I owe you a lot for your encouragement and support. KK knew Suze growing up and knew of her passing and she felt that I needed an outlet for my grief. KK... you have no idea what an explosion you created in me! In a good way, of course. I owe you so much more than a lunch of steak & frittes. I will make up for that sometime in the very near future, my friend.


Soooooooo... although none of you may know it, you have had a very profound and positive effect on the course that my life would eventually take. Nearly one year skipping down the yellow brick road and things are getting so much better. I will always miss my friend and sister-in-life, but you have all helped to ease my pain in more ways than I can ever express. You all have my undying devotion.


Thank You! From the deepest recesses of my heart I thank you with all I've got. I am your biggest and most loyal fan... all of you. And you can take that to the bank.

I'D LIKE TO KICK THE CRAP OUT OF CANCER!!!!!!!!

I started thinking about my hubby's parents & how much I miss them & wish they were still here. They were our best friends for all the years the hubby & I have been together... minus the last 8 years.

We live approximately 3 blocks from the house they built on Princeton St. back in the 1950's; the home where hubby & his two brothers grew up.

The year that both of our kids were in junior high @ the same time, the hubby was doing a 2 year stint as Youth Centers President and I was doing a two year stint as PTA President @ the junior high. The DU was a cheerleader and had dozens of other things she was into. The SU was playing football & basketball and into a dozen other things. It was our busiest year ever.

It was then that Grandad was diagnosed with multiple myloma in November, then Grandmom was diagnosed with pancreatic & liver cancer 3 months later. Amidst our shock & overwhelming sadness, we tried to stay positive. We spent all the time we could with them... taking them for chemo, fixing meals for them, watching TV with them, helping out wherever we could, just sitting around talking, looking through piles of old pictures, etc. It was truly a labor of love and moments I will forever cherish. Thankfully, Hospice came in toward the end, for both of these precious people, which helped to ease their final days of pain. Sadly, they couldn't do anything for the rest of our family. It was a massively painful year for all of us and there were no bereavement classes for children or adults, available in our town at that point.




That was the single most difficult year of my life because I loved them as if they were my own parents. They were the parents I had always wanted but wasn't fortunate enough to have. Our kids both grew up within walking & bike riding distance, so they spent a lot of time @ the grandparent's house, as did all of their friends. Grandad would always take the kids & their friends back to his closet, where he measured their height, marked it & added their name on the frame of the opening to the closet. Many years later, when all the kids came to the house after his funeral, all they wanted to do was go back to look at Grandad's closet frame and go out to his workshop.



Grandad's workshop was in the backyard and was a most fascinating place. When the kids were little, he had an old bear skin rug that he mounted on a sawhorse, mounted an antelope's head on top of that, then added a saddle & strapped it down. All the kids ever wanted to do was go over there and ride the antelope, lol. On Sundays, he always made what everyone in the family referred to as *Breakfast On A Shingle*, which my kids only missed when they were deathly ill. He welcomed all relatives, no matter how distant. He also welcomed anyone from the neighborhood and always seemed to have at least two takers from one or more categories every week. He had a wonderful antique pot bellied stove upon which he concocted his *special breakfasts* and always served them on..... you guessed it!...... a shingle. It's a miracle that no one ever got a splinter. He was such a hoot and that workshop was full of oddly interesting items that probably could have killed both the kids, but oh, how they loved it. He also had an antique Pachinko Pin Ball Machine that he always let the kids play with, as well as at least a jillion other fun things to do. He had every tool known to man and you could always find one or both of the kids hammering something into something else. He had things on the walls like dirty old men heads that laughed nasty laughs when you pulled the necktie and fish that sang & talked. You can understand why they grew up in love with Grandad's workshop and the man himself.




Grandmom always had a different kind of charm. She was very much a lady but also very fragile. She lost her own mother to pneumonia when she was 2 and her only sibling, a brother, in WWII when she was only 17. Since her father was gone much of the time, she was sent to relatives to be raised. Once I knew her the damage was long past, but it was always evident in the form of her frailty. Grandad adored her & protected her from the world. She spent a lot of her time reading and she was voracious about it. We were constantly exchanging books & discussing them. She always saw to it that the children had plenty of reading materials at her house, from the time they could see. She always had fresh baked cookies and juice and welcomed all their friends as well. She made the most perfect turkey and dressing that I dare not even attempt to, since there is no way mine could ever compare to her's. This dear woman was more kind to me than any woman I've ever known and she will live in my heart until I am gone. She was a very private person, but fiercely loved her entire family. Truthfully, Grandmom & Grandad always reminded me of June & Ward Cleaver, only June wasn't quite so out-going. They just had such a beautiful marriage and I never heard a cross word in their home. That's just the way they were. They were always just fun to be around, which was the polar opposite of my own weird family.

Grandmom & Grandad's marriage was so magical and effected all the lives of those who were close to them. They met and dated while attending the University of Texas, married after graduation, and they were still in love until the end. They passed away within 7 months of one another, both at the age of 70, several months short of their 50th wedding anniversary, which was much too young. I suppose I always selfishly thought they would be around for high school & college graduations & marriages & great-grandchildren, but that wasn't meant to be. Both kids remember their grandparents VERY well and have memories that they will always cherish, I hope. I have boxes & boxes of memories, lest they ever forget.... Anyway, today I'd like to say "Cheers!" to Grandmom & Grandad who made our lives so wonderful while they were still in the world... they were one of the most romantic couples I have ever known.

Was she gorgeous or what?----->



I met my husband for the first time in grade school; second grade, to be exact. As annoying as he was, I was crazy about him from the start. In fifth grade, my family moved to Oklahoma, so I didn't think I'd ever see him again. In 9th grade, we moved to Aspen, where I attended Aspen High School for one year, then my mother sent me to Catholic boarding school (Ursuline Academy in the Ozarks of Missouri) until I graduated in 1970. She sent me to boarding school because I'd been caught ditching school to go skiing. More than once. Some parents would have recognized my awesome potential olympic quality passion & skills. That was not my mother. She just told me I was an idiot and that she hoped I liked raising children, cleaning house, and cooking because that was all I was ever going to be able to do. My brother had ditched to go ski as well, but was not sent away to school. I loved skiing and still do, but I made some wrong choices, so my punishment was exile.

Many years later I returned to Texas and happened to meet the hubby again, at a party during Christmas holidays. When he said his name, my head literally started reeling. I knew right then that we would marry, and we did, almost a year later. My in-laws became instant friends and confidantes and I adored them. I think the one thing I most liked about them was that they told me (once their son & I were engaged) that they would never interfere in our marriage nor offer any unsolicited advice. They never broke their word, but were always happy to advise if I asked. How cool is that?



I hate cancer and what it does to families and its victims. It's the scourge of the earth and I've lost so many people I loved to this fucking horrible disease. I want to lash out and hurt it but of course I can't. I want to kick the living daylights out of cancer, but alas, I cannot, which makes it even more frustrating. It makes you feel so helpless watching those you love wither away to nothing, then die a horrible, painful death.


I was on the local board for the American Cancer Society for many years and chaired the Cancer Drive for several years in the early 1980's. Later, I was Auction Chairman 2 years in a row, for "Round-Up", which is the huge party/charity/fundraiser that eventually replaced the Cancer Drive. I still raise money every year for the American Cancer Society in hopes that at some point in time, they will, at last, find a cure for the many cancers that exist in this world. Sometimes it's difficult to stay positive, but I persevere. Cancer ripped away the people we love and I won't stop trying to raise money until they either find a cure or I die, whichever happens to come first.