Thursday, January 22, 2009

Yearly Check-Up With My Doctor... Check. Scheduled Colonoscopy... Uh-Oh

WARNING! This post is not for the weak of stomach or mind, so Shoo! However, you'll miss the experience of a lifetime. It'll change your life, I promise.



For some demented reason I thought I could escape having the dreaded colonoscopy, but that doctor of mine is just full of tricks up his sleeve. That man had the audacity to go into partnership with his wife, who is also a GP. I had my blood work done last week, so when I went in today, I was ushered in to see the wife. Mrs. Doctor.


Can we talk? This woman has mastered the *Evil Eye* of all disapproving looks. I swear to God I thought Reverend Mother Margaret Mary had returned from the grave to torture me. She might as well have because Mrs. Doctor must have learned it from The Rev. It made me squirm and twitch like a 7 year old. I can't really describe *the look* except to say that she has the biggest doe eyes that seem to look into the depths of your soul. Although not actually soul cleansing, her *look* comes pretty close to at least being a momentary enema of the mind. It's that look that says "Woman to woman, you know I'm right about this, don't you?" It's quite unnerving.


Thinking I could just say "Oh sure. You bet. Uh-Huh. I'll schedule that colonoscopy right away. Now, can I have the prescriptions for my blood pressure and migraines? Thanks a bunch. See ya next year and yada, yada, yada." Au Contraire. At that point of my visit she also prescribed a bone density test, then reeled me into shock when she picked up the phone and made both appointments for me. I was completely speechless. What kind of tom-foolery was going on?


Apparently, they are on to my modus operatus (or operendi or whatever). The Artful Dodger Of All Medical Appointments. I felt like Elaine on Seinfeld when all of the doctors in The City knew that she was a "difficult patient". Had they been secretly discussing my case behind my back? It was all too clear to me that they had. Evidently they care if I live or die, which I was kind of touched by.



So do I get the one that relays the message it isn't all that bad?









Or do I get the one that reminds me of my concept of Hell and appears to be somewhat invasive? Fine. A LOT invasive. *shiver* Wasn't this kind of stuff banned after concentration camps were closed? I mean, I'm just sayin'.

I want to scream "OUCH!" just looking at this picture, let alone picturing myself going through this kind of horror.


Hmmmmm..... Tough Decision. Egad! I feel faint.


Do I really want to see this? Yes, as opposed to looking at an unhealthy colon. But hey, a rose by any other name...




So, who's in with me on this? Who wants to get a colonoscopy when I do? Anyone? Hello? Is this thing on? Hello? Come on. We can blog about it. Really. It'll be fun! Hellooooo?

24 comments:

brneyedgal967 said...

Shit. And no, I'm not making a funny. I've been procrastinating making my physical appointment because last year, I was told THIS year that I needed a colonoscopy... so I've been dragging my feet.

So not fair to pick up the phone and schedule your appointments herself. Yeah, the woman must have had some vulcan mind meld training or something.

Sistah, I feel your pain.

Snooty Primadona said...

And hey... this is my first... at 56. I'm not dead yet, by God!

Flea said...

I'm having a colonoscopy done the first week in February. I SOOOO did not need to see that illustration, thankyouverymuch. And I really don't want to post about it. Unless maybe ours are scheduled at about the same time. Ew.

herMomsometimes said...

Oh It's not that bad. Really you won't remember a thing. The worst part is the medication the night before. That stuff that cleans you out. I do mean CLEANS YOU OUT!
The last one I had I was given a video tape of the procedure. Have I watched it, hell no!

The bone scan is easy you just lay there. I do have good bones. I drink lots and lots of milk. I does make strong bones. It may clog you arteries but you have good bones.

The Incredible Woody said...

Not ready to go down that road yet. Let me get adjusted to having the crap squeezed out of my boobs then we'll talk!

asthmagirl said...

Why do you think I have not chatted my doctor up lately? I can get my meds via an email with him. If I sit down for some face time, he'll set me up for all sorts of scans and probes!
Let me know how it goes (and goes)!

Snooty Primadona said...

I'm so sorry but I went into total hysterics writing this. OMG! I am really more twisted than I thought. Just let me apologize for this post now. (not) Let's face it. Reality bites. So why do I think it's so damned funny? It's called *nervous-so-please-don't-let-me-die-yet* thing. I know.

Living on the Spit said...

I will avoid this subject for at least another year!

I do hope everything goes well.

Marlene

BJ Roan said...

Oh my! You had me in hysterics. NO! I'll not be sharing your misery. I mean, really it isn't that bad. Really. I had one 3 years ago. I'll not be doing it again until I'm forced by those evil eye doctors. Good luck though.

Heather said...

I don't understand why we can set up a space station and conduct "space walks" to fix said station, but modern medicine can't find a way to make this procedure a bit more pleasant.

BTW, not to be a downer, but my aunt died of colon cancer @ 49. Thus, my much earlier than expected colonoscopy this winter.(I avoided it last year) First, I have to get over eye surgery.

Staci said...

I've already been there, done that - it's not THAT bad, but I am here to testify that the lemony crap they give you to drink the day before will definitely make you feel a little light in the, uh, backside. I think the test itself was mostly just humiliating.

On another note, if you want to participate in that meme from my blog, email me at sjbliss33@aol.com and I'll send you your questions.

Mental P Mama said...

I will be 50 in 363 days. Then the fun begins.

Snooty Primadona said...

Youngster...

Buddha's Place said...

Ahem...I'm sorry. It's always funnier when it's not your parts they are probing. Again I'm sorry Snooty! How often do we have to do that one? Man, growing up sucks.

Naz said...

I had a colonosopy 3 years ago. They told me I didn't have to have another one for 10 years, BUT I have news for them. I'm never doing THAT again.

Bone density test is the easiest test I've ever done. You just lie on a table and that's it.

Pleasing Procrasinator said...

Thanks for the invite but I will have to pass, I just had my first mammogram, and would don't want to take on too much at once:)

TSannie said...

I should be joining you. 53 here and haven't made myself get one yet. I really need to go see your doctor...sounds like she'd make me. UGH!

kellypea said...

Good for you for writing this. You have no idea how many times I've wanted to write about female stuff and don't because gawd forbid I'll offend the guys. I've been putting this off for 2 years, and worse? After having my hysterectomy then, I still haven't been back. I'm horrible about going to the doctor. I have to give it to you -- the idea of a cyber colonoscopy is definitely unique.

noble pig said...

I know lots of people who have had them and everyone says it was nothing..and they don't remeber a thing. THE MOST IMPORTANT thing is a good bowl prep. It sucks but if you skimp on the prep or do a really good one, you will be doing it for nothing. So since you are going forth PLEASE do a good one. And make sure you have lots of wipes to wipe your bum during that prep or your pooper will hurt.

My Metabolic Rate is Stuck said...

It seems I can't even make it in for my Yearly or a Mamogram...so WhHY even try for a colonsopy!
I know...sound horrid...I know I should go! Maybe after the weather get nicer!

Keeper Of All Things said...

Great ..........there goes that pudding I was going to have for desert tonight!!!!!

Sassy said...

I'm sorry....been there....done that...I don't want to unless I have to again...good luck!

imbeingheldhostage said...

uh, no. my sphincter muscle is trembling just reading this. no thank you. no. they have to knoco me out first-- like a week before the appointment--better yet, knock me out now before I even know I have an appointment.
I'll be sitting (with tightly closed legs) waiting to hear how this goes for you.

JenReg said...

I had one a couple of years ago, and it wasn't bad. The worst part for me was drinking that vile substance the day before. It was soooo gross.

Hang in there...it's not too bad!

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