Yearly Check-Up With My Doctor... Check. Scheduled Colonoscopy... Uh-Oh

WARNING! This post is not for the weak of stomach or mind, so Shoo! However, you'll miss the experience of a lifetime. It'll change your life, I promise.



For some demented reason I thought I could escape having the dreaded colonoscopy, but that doctor of mine is just full of tricks up his sleeve. That man had the audacity to go into partnership with his wife, who is also a GP. I had my blood work done last week, so when I went in today, I was ushered in to see the wife. Mrs. Doctor.


Can we talk? This woman has mastered the *Evil Eye* of all disapproving looks. I swear to God I thought Reverend Mother Margaret Mary had returned from the grave to torture me. She might as well have because Mrs. Doctor must have learned it from The Rev. It made me squirm and twitch like a 7 year old. I can't really describe *the look* except to say that she has the biggest doe eyes that seem to look into the depths of your soul. Although not actually soul cleansing, her *look* comes pretty close to at least being a momentary enema of the mind. It's that look that says "Woman to woman, you know I'm right about this, don't you?" It's quite unnerving.


Thinking I could just say "Oh sure. You bet. Uh-Huh. I'll schedule that colonoscopy right away. Now, can I have the prescriptions for my blood pressure and migraines? Thanks a bunch. See ya next year and yada, yada, yada." Au Contraire. At that point of my visit she also prescribed a bone density test, then reeled me into shock when she picked up the phone and made both appointments for me. I was completely speechless. What kind of tom-foolery was going on?


Apparently, they are on to my modus operatus (or operendi or whatever). The Artful Dodger Of All Medical Appointments. I felt like Elaine on Seinfeld when all of the doctors in The City knew that she was a "difficult patient". Had they been secretly discussing my case behind my back? It was all too clear to me that they had. Evidently they care if I live or die, which I was kind of touched by.



So do I get the one that relays the message it isn't all that bad?









Or do I get the one that reminds me of my concept of Hell and appears to be somewhat invasive? Fine. A LOT invasive. *shiver* Wasn't this kind of stuff banned after concentration camps were closed? I mean, I'm just sayin'.

I want to scream "OUCH!" just looking at this picture, let alone picturing myself going through this kind of horror.


Hmmmmm..... Tough Decision. Egad! I feel faint.


Do I really want to see this? Yes, as opposed to looking at an unhealthy colon. But hey, a rose by any other name...




So, who's in with me on this? Who wants to get a colonoscopy when I do? Anyone? Hello? Is this thing on? Hello? Come on. We can blog about it. Really. It'll be fun! Hellooooo?