Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Let Me Introduce You To Another Of My Little Friends...

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that I've so far tried just about every anti-aging cream on the market, with little or no positive results.... until now. This new cream I've been trying seems to really be working, especially on my saggy neck skin. I hate my saggy neck skin (AKA Turkey Neck)! Back in the day, it was a bit more fondly referred to as a woman's *wattle*.

I've gotten to where I can look at my reflection in the mirror and actually *overlook* all the *saggy-ness*... most of the time. Then reality sets in and I get so depressed about it that I could cry or puke (and often do). Obviously, I'm not the perfect poster child for aging gracefully.

Then, I saw an ad on the internet for this new face and neck cream called RESTORE (snake) Venom Compound and yes, I paid my $100.00 for a little one ounce jar of cream. (Actually, I bought two jars.) It must be good since it's so expensive, right? Not really. But, this particular cream seems to be showing visible signs of working. I'm hoping it's not just my overactive imagination, but my neck doesn't seem quite so saggy or jiggly lately. Could it really be true that snake venom based compound could actually be tightening my poor aging skin? Or is it simply seeping through to my brain and making me think it's working? It makes me think of that scene in 'Mama Mia' when one of Meryl's character's friends was hung over and couldn't get up. The other friend then jumped up and said "Quick! Get her donkey testicle cream!"

Well, I've now resorted to taking lots of pictures of my face and neck so that I can compare them several months down the road. Sounds like a seethingly brilliant idea, doesn't it? This is where I digress. As if it wasn't enough torture looking in a magnified mirror to apply my makeup, taking close-up pictures is enough to make most women my age go screaming into the closest plastic surgeon's office in tears, begging for help. It strikes the deepest fear of most women.

However, I felt this self-torture was necessary to have a true pictorial account of the virtues (or perhaps not) of this supposedly *miracle* cream that promises to work as well as Botox. Hmmm... That's quite some promise. Hopefully, I will find out for myself whether or not all of the promises are sleazy advertising bunk or might possibly have some truth to them somewhere.

This is where we discover whether or not there is any *proof in the pudding*, so to speak. In other words, if I don't make a pictorial chronicle of my neck & face, how will I ever know if it's really working? Honestly, they didn't promise a face-lift, so I need some proof. Right?

So, stick with me on this. I'll be updating the progress (with dauntingly realistic pictures) every other week. Since I purchased two jars, we'll just ride this pony to the end of the trail, okay? I'm thinking that it should last me 3 months if I use it twice a day, as directed. At the end of this *trial period* we'll find out whether I'm off to buy the company (or the stock) or whether I'll be exposing them for being frauds.

Are you in?

Does anyone remember the show 'Ally McBeal' and Greg Germann's character Richard Fish who had a *wattle fettish*? Seriously, are there any men out there worth having that really love a woman's *wattle*? NO! (Okay, fine. Perhaps there are a few *choice* men.) Most women don't like it either, including *moi*. When 'Ally McBeal' was popular (1997 -2002) I thought those were the most hilarious episodes! Now, I'm afraid I'd cry and throw up if I watched them. It's only funny when you're young and bulletproof.

Approximately a week ago, I received an enormous negative blood transfusion from a honking huge mosquito, on my neck. For a week now, it appears that I have a huge hickey on my neck. At my age. I only wish (just kidding). I have not even once, scratched it and yet it appears to have a very crusty scab. I had also gotten bitten several times on my chest and several on my upper back. None of those have turned crusty, nor have any of the mosquito bites I can ever remember having. Ever. So, I must have leprosy or something, right?

I seriously cannot go to see the Dermatologist here. The woman was spawned in Hell and I detest her. She's from India and does everything short of slapping you after you've waited two hours to see her. She verbally berates you for having moles and/or a tan. I tried to explain that I've always had moles. I also tried to explain to her that my tan is thanks to Neutrogena, but I'm sure she didn't understand me since she continued to verbally flog me throughout my visit, in a language she claims is English. Apparently, there is another English language entirely, that I'm unaware of.

I suppose I'll try to find a Dermatologist in Austin and make an appointment for the next time I go there. However, by the time that future appointment rolls around, you know the scab on my neck will be thoroughly healed. That, or I'll be dead. Why do we allow doctors like her to take over our medical fields in this country? And why don't we have more choices? And why can they not speak intelligible English?

Yes, I'm just full of questions today...


T said...

Just a thought - maybe this bite reacted worse due to it being nearer to your jugular and the neck skin is way more sensitive/fragil than the other places?

I also feel your pain with the doc thing - I just got a verbal flogging from my doc the other day. When did docs start pushing stuff at you (and having your head on a plate when you didn't down their drug of choice) vs. suggesting and letting the patient make the choice?

Cannot wait to see the bi-weekly updates! Hope it works for you!!!

The Incredible Woody said...

I cannot wait to see if the snake venom works! Let us know if you start hissing - LOL!!

And that is one heavy-duty mosquito bite! I'd keep an eye on that thing.

Flea said...

The mosquitoes were attracted to the snake venom. Which was what caused the unusual reaction on your neck.

I'm making this crap up.

Looking forward to seeing wattle progress. I'm reaching that stage myself and will appreciate any and all experienced answers. :)

Heather said...

I love that you post these photos! You are beautiful--bite and all.

Does the snake venom work on crows feet? If so, I'm in. What about foreheads?

I digress. I REFUSE to go to the dermatologist except in February when my white ass matches the rest of my body!

The Machinist's Wife said...

I just couldn't stop larfing at this post.

Hey, did you know they use snake venom in the treatment of epilepsy? True.

I'm with you on the foreign doctors issue. Some of them over here can't speak much English at all. It's painful.

Also, did you know that you can catch AIDS from a mosquito bite. The bigger the bite, the bigger the virus. False. Well, who knows?

Love your sense of humour!

Living on the Spit said...

Maybe it was a spider bite? I swear by Wei East, but I am looking forward to seeing how the snake venon works...in Japan they put bird poop on their skin as a twice a day facial.

Staci said...

You haven't been lying around coiled up have you? No really, I'm very interested in how this ultimately works. My wattle (I've also heard it called a "gaggle" which might be close to right since looking at mine makes me gag and I think it probably "wiggles") is growing as I speak.

Daryl said...

Love the hair cut ... very flatering. I dont think that looks like a mosquito bite .. and its not a spider bite .. spider bites (other than Brown Recluse spiders) are big and red but then settle down to become a teensy red dot ... however it is possible you scratched that bite in your sleep ergo the scabbing ... here's what I would do .. I would wait a week and if it didnt disappear, I would go see a doctor .. doesnt have to be a dermatologist .. pretty much any doc can tell you what it is ...

And I look forward to hearing how the Venom works ... do they say its good for saggy undereyes?

Anonymous said...

My darling, focus on that beautiful hair you have! What a color! What a great cut!

If you are *really* worried about your neck, compare the price of all the silly creams you might buy over the next 7 years with the price of a little plastic surgery.

Radical, I know, but it depends how important this is to you.

I personally think you look like a pretty sexy broad.


Sjn said...

Buck up and get to the dermatologist for a full body check up girl!
I've had tons of spots frozen, zapped and cut off my skin, but I'll be damned if I let it go and end up with melanoma!

BJ Roan said...

With regard to the Doc thing...this last change of medical insurance required I choose a doctor from their list of treating physicians. I scanned the list hoping against all hope to find a name I could pronounce, when low and behold! there it was...Mathew. I promptly jumped up to do the Teaberry Shuffle and realized my wattle would wiggle, so didn't. Anyway, I promptly made my appointment, only to find out this guy speaks that other English you spoke of and looked nothing like any Mathew I'd ever seen. I think he changed his name to confuse me!

Anyway, I'm looking forward to your regular reports on this seemingly miracle cure. I certainly could use a little less wiggle for my wattle.

With regard to the bite. Slather on some alcohol straight out of the bottle, and no, that's not the kind you drink...although that's not a bad idea. Good old rubbing alcohol is my cure-all for most skin irritations. Usually works.

Mental P Mama said...

LOL. I'm in! And come up here...my derm is awesome, and he only yells for a few minutes about the tan level. Besides, he probably needs more people to put his other children through college. gah.

noble pig said...

It looks like you had an allergic reaction to the bite, or malaria. Hmmm.

Blarney said...

Stop applying the waddle cream to the bite area to see if there is an improvement. Perhaps the bite is having a bad reaction to something in the cream. My 2 cents.

imom said...

You are so beautiful! I'll be curious to see if there is any difference using that cream. I really can't see much of a "wattle"!

I LOVED Ally McBeal... at the beginning of your post when you used the word "wattle" I thought of Richard Fish instantly. Then was pleased to see his picture further down!

Beth Dunn said...

I'm dying to try that cream. I hope your bug bite goes away! xoxo

The Machinist's Wife said...

I've awarded you the Honest Scrap award. Love your writings! Wanna come and get it from my September 11 Blogpost?
Keep up the good work!

Rickrack and Pompoms said...

Waddles are the worst. Everything else I can hide but that is a tough one. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to the updates

Keeper Of All Things said...

Seems like the snake venom seeped in your neck????


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